Forever And Ever

44. Grayson

I can feel a panic attack coming. My hands are shaking and it's already too damn hard to breathe.

I sit down inside the bathtub, curling into myself.

I chose wrong. I need Emery. I can't fucking live without her.

My heart is pounding and I'm suddenly dizzy.

I put my head between my legs when I start getting nauseous.

I fucking need Emery.

I'm going to throw up.

I hate what I did to her. I hate that I let Devyn get his way. I hate that he asked me to do that. I want to hate him for it, but I can't. I know I still made the choice. No, I hate myself for it. I hate myself for hurting her.

I can't see straight and I'm sweating like crazy.

It feels like I'm dying. I swear to fuck I'm dying.

I shouldn't have let Emery go. I shouldn't have fucking chosen Devyn, and now it's probably too late. I don't think she'd forgive me now—not that I'd blame her.

Losing her is going to be the fucking death of me.

The bathroom door opens and I hear a gasp. Emery.

"Gray," her voice breaks and she collapses in front of me. "Gray, oh God. Hey, it's okay. What happened? I need you to breathe for me, okay? Please, can you do that?"

I gasp, trying to take in air, but it doesn't help. I'm still dying.

"You're doing so good, my love," she takes my hand and presses it against her pounding heart. "I'm right here. I've got you. You're going to be okay. I'm always here for you."

My love. Her love.

I fucked up so bad.

"I—I'm—dying," I gasp.

"You're not dying, pretty boy," she cups my cheek with shaking fingers. "You're going to be okay."

I shake my head, my breath hitching.

"Love, can you stand up?" Emery whispers, trying to get me up.

I stumble to my feet and she nods encouragingly, even through the pain in her eyes.

"Good. Good job," she says, rubbing my back. "It's going to be cold, okay?"

"Wh—wh—"

I try to ask what she means, but it's pointless. I still can't fucking breathe, let alone talk.

Without warning, she turns on the water, and the cold makes me take in a sharp breath. It slowly gets easier to breathe and I feel Emery massaging my neck.

Emery sits down on the floor and I follow, laying down with my head in her lap.

I'm still pretty much panting, but I'm no longer nauseous or dizzy.

"Good job," Emery murmurs. "I'm so proud of you."

"I'm sorry," I look up at her, feeling tears form in my eyes. "Fuck, I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm so stupid, Emmy. I can't—I'm so sorry. I know I can't  take it all back, but I wish I could. I don't mean any of it."

"What—I don't—but I thought you said—I—"

I sit up so that I'm facing her.

"I don't think you're annoying. I never have. I just—I'm sorry. I needed something to say that I thought would make you hate me. I didn't want you to think it was your fault, but it was stupid," I'm crying now. Sobbing. Crying like I haven't cried in years. "I am so fucking stupid. I know that. But I need you to know that. You're my fucking everything. I don't expect you to forgive me, but it would kill me to know that I didn't try to tell you the truth. Devyn asked me to choose between the two of you and I didn't know what to do. I panicked—I'm an idiot. I love you so—"

"Gray, shut up," she says, shaking her head as the tears fall down her face.

"No, because I need you to know. I need you—"

"Gray, please," she cuts me off before kissing me. I melt into her touch.

She pulls away sobbing softly.

"You have no fucking idea how much I missed you," she whimpers.

"God, I missed you too. So fucking much," I run my fingers through her hair slowly, afraid she'll disappear.

She climbs onto my lap, the water drenching both of us. She shudders for a second before kissing me again.

"Emmy," I gasp, breaking away. "What's in your pocket?"

Fear flashes across her face and she tries to kiss me again.

"Baby, what's in your pocket?" I tilt my head, reaching down to grab it. I pull out a small box cutter, looking between the knife and her.

"What—"

I cut myself off when I realize why she has it.

"Show me," I whisper, feeling tears in my eyes again.

"No—it's not like that," she tries to brush it off, but I can see that she's lying to me.

"Emmy, please," I beg.

She stands up, her cheeks turning red and her hands trembling. She slowly pulls her shorts down and I nearly cry again.

"Emmy," my voice breaks. I sit up on my knees and wrap my arms around the backs of her legs. I press kisses to each one of her cuts. "Why? Why would you hurt yourself?"

"I missed you," she sobs, her embarrassment obvious on her face.

I've never fucking hated myself more.

"Please, don't ever do this again. I'm not worth hurting yourself over. If I ever hurt you, don't do this," I trace her cuts, wishing I could take them all away.

The pain of seeing this is so much worse than the pain of losing her.

"I'm so sorry," she whimpers, collapsing in my arms.

"Don't apologize. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have picked Devyn," I kiss the top of her head.

"Yes, you should have," she murmurs, clinging to me. "I don't want to be the reason you lose your relationship with him."

"You're not, baby. He did that himself by asking me to choose between you two," I tuck her hair behind her ear.

"I love you," she kisses me, needy and desperate.

She opens her mouth and I slip my tongue into her. She moans quietly and bites my tongue playfully. I grip her hips.

There's a knock at the door.

"What the fuck are you guys doing in there?" Devyn demands.

Oh, I'm going to tell him exactly—

"Making out," Emery says breathlessly before kissing me again.

"In the shower?" Devyn sounds confused.

The mention of water makes Emery remember we're in freezing ass water and she shudders again.

"Come on, baby," I stand up with her still in my arms. "You're going to end up getting sick."