Obsession // Ashtray

16

UPDATEEE: hi guys 🌚🌝, I am in fact alive and well. just wanted to let you know that I did not forget about this book I have just been thru hell and back, I won't get into it bc let's be real you probs don't care to hear and I don't care to explain BUT I am healthy (no more absence seizures!!) and in a much better headspace. so even tho I am still incredibly busy, this book will end!! might need to reread this one tho... (it's okay I did too 💀)

(just to clarify this is the same day as the last chapter )

"I gotta pack my shit I guess," I say looking at the time on Ash's phone. "Do you gotta go?" He groans, fiddling with my toes after much protest. "Yeah i'm still black Ash. My uncle would beat me-" I pause looking at Ash which reconfirms my thoughts. "Not like my mum," I reassure him and swiftly rotate my body so my face once again faces his. "My uncle and parents used to beat me for DISCIPLINE," emphasising the last word. "That's fucked," he frowns. "No baby, like when I say beat I mean like a slap on the hand or with a belt but it's used as like punishment for doing the wrong," tryna get the white boy to use his black thinking cap. "is that how you want to raise our kids?" he questions confused which throws me off guard. "Wha- Oh... me personally, I think I've had enough violence to last me a lifetime." I laugh a little. "When my... mother wasn't batshit psycho I used to get so butthurt when she beat me. It just never sat right with me. But I also understand that it is deep rooted in most black cultures. Especially the freshies," I mumble with my eyes closed. "Freshies?" "Oh like immigrants from Africa," I smile. "Buuut, to answer your question, no that is not how I plan to raise our cute little mixed babies," squealing at the thought.

"Okay but Nyah get up, I gotta help you back the very little amount of clothes you packed," Ash says sarcastically. My eyes search for his, narrowing down a little "bitch?" I was not having anything less than princess treatment.

After packing, Ashtray caught me off guard with the weirdest question I've ever heard in my life, "How do you do it? Just like dealing with the shit that gets dumped onto you?" It took me a few minutes to comprehend the question which he took as a further opportunity to elaborate. "like, g, your pops is gone, your batshit crazy mother is locked up, you get assaulted by the bastard on my kill list and now this shit with Rue. Ma, you the strongest person I know," He straightens his body up and looks me straight in my eyes. Well damn. That was a trauma dump overload. "Well..." taking the time to search for the answer myself. "I suppose it just sucks in the moment and then I forget... and when I remember it no longer feels like me." My words come out slowly, but he listens intently and with interest regardless. "Is it healthy? I don't know... but nor do I really care cos I guess it works for me." I continue, now looking down at my fiddling hands. "And even though some of those scenarios were before, you are what gets me through it now." My eyes gravitate back to him, "My little, killing machine, nonchalant, bitchy-to-everyone-else, baby. My favourite obsession," I fake pout trying to make the conversation less heavy and I earn a laugh. "Good God girl, you is crazy fool" Ash tries to sound ghetto, receiving a laugh back. "Yeahhhh," dragging it out, "maybe leave the accents to me."

When the clock hit 5:15 pm, I decided now would be the latest time I could leave without causing another scene in life. Yeah, cos I've had enough of those for real. "I'll text you when I get home," I say with a half-hearted smile. "Yeah you better, ma. I'll see you soon," and leaves me with a solid 10/10 makeout session. 

I know this is short as hell but I deleted the note that told me where this story is going so give me a min to create AND WRITE DOWN a new one.