𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐚𝐥

chapter twenty

The stranger noticed us right off the bat. Which was surprising since the last time he saw us we were children. I guess the fact that the only other people here were an old couple helped.

He sat down and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "How are you guys."

Noah's jaw clenched. "10 years and that's the first thing you have to say? How about an 'I'm sorry'? or maybe a reason as to why I'm wasting precious time sitting here at a cafe with a father who could not care less about my existence."

My fathers eyes widened in surprise at his outburst. "I was getting there Noah." He uttered softly.

Noah just scoffed and leaned back in his chair.

"Okay John, but why did you call us here?" I spoke.

His eyes shifted from Noah to me. "I wanted to catch up with my children. I know that I've been a piece of shit father and I know I'm 10 years too late but I was just hoping for the tiniest chance that my kids would want to talk to me about their life's."

"Well we're here aren't we?" I replied.

I could see in his face that he was wracked with guilt. I could see regret, but that doesn't mean I'm going to instantly forgive him. There's been a void in my life that only a father could fill and he never filled it. A piece of me is gone because of him. That's not something forgivable.

"Why did you do it?" Noah finally spoke up.

He stared at the floor for a while before he finally glanced up towards Noah.

"I didn't have a reason. I just did it." His brown eyes were full of misery. "That's what makes me a horrible father, I didn't have a reason, I just simply didn't want the stress of raising kids."

My face contorted into one of disgust. "So that means you couldn't send a damn birthday card? Or a christmas one? I waited for you. I would wait for you every birthday, and every holiday. Asking my mom when daddy's coming home to see me. I waited! I waited until one day I realized you weren't coming, and you never were. I was 9." I was doing everything I could to hold in my tears but the lump in my throat was becoming unbearable.

John was staring downwards again. Avoiding contact with his children. It was what he did best.

He raised his eyes slowly, his face still tilted downwards. "I know baby, and I'm sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I know that no amount of apologies can fix the years of damage but I was hoping you could give me a start. Just give me a chance to make it up to you guys. It may take years but I'm willing to do everything in my power to have my children's trust again."

He was right. It was going to be a while before I could get over the hole he left in my heart, but if he is willing to try, why shouldn't I give him that chance. I know he will disappoint me again but even the slightest chance of having my father back brought me comfort.

"Why now?" Noah asked.

"I have worked up the courage to finally face y'all, I want to have a relationship with my kids. When I see fathers with their children at parks or at work my heart fills with the years of guilt. I don't want that anymore."

"So you're doing this for you, not us." Noah replied

"No Noah, I am doing this for all of us. I don't want my children to hate me. I don't think any father wants that."

I was silent watching their exchange. Noah's face has softened a little more from the beginning of our conversation, which is a good sign.

"Don't expect for us to come running back because of a few words. Words mean nothing if you don't have the actions to back them up."  I stated. My voice more stable and monotone than before.

"I know Nicole." A tear streamed down one side of his face. "Let me at least try, I am moving to a new place only half an hour from here. I'm not asking y'all to visit everyday but maybe some dinner occasionally?"

"Alright." I sighed.

Noah sat up in his seat and made eye contact with our father. "If you disappoint me again or leave again, I will never ever forgive you."

My father nodded solemnly then pulled Noah into a hug. It was sudden but Noah slowly hugged him back. Tears flowing freely from his eyes. This is the first time I've seen him cry.

Noah pulled away from the hug and pulled me in. The tears I was trying so hard to keep in were now streaming down my face. I haven't felt a comfort like this in such a long time, I really hope my father was serious about this, because just like Noah, I would never forgive him if he wasn't.