Meraki // Poetry & Short Stories

Attack

It's not that I didn't want to go
I did
And I questioned
And now I'm here within the confines of this darkened closet regretting the decision that came from that questioning
And I'm crying
And it's sort of hard to breathe
But I can't leave
They'll see
And he'll ask
And he'll tell me it's no use crying over what's already happened
But I'll keep crying
And he'll be so mad, saying
Why did you become a cry baby like the rest?
You were the one we didn't have to worry about
Why did you have to force me to care?

So I'll stay in this closet
Rocking back and forth
Taking choked up breaths
In place of comfort
Because I need to calm down
But I can't when it's all still sitting over my head
Over my tight shoulders
Like this plague that won't let me go

And I don't care anymore
I don't want to do it
I don't want to go back and finish my work
I'm done
I don't want to do it
I can't do it anymore
It's so pathetic

But I'm choking
And I'm screaming
And I'm clawing at my arms
And frantically wiping these tears away
Because I hear him coming
And how can I explain this scene?
Me, hiding in his own closet
Getting the carpet wet and salty
Because I can't deal with my own problems

I can hear him pulling back the door
Listening to the fan I turned on last second
Whilst I hold a hand over my mouth
And shiver
He sees the empty bathroom
But doesn't open the closet door
And I thank the universe that he doesn't try

And my breathing has slowed down
And my heart isn't racing as fast
And I'm looking at the one source of light
Drying my face
Leaving tell tale tracks
As I stare into these sun beams
Coming from the window
Warming my face
Where her touch evades me

When she comes home I'll want to mention it
But I won't
I did my talking in the letter I wrote her
And any more than that lacks words I can speak
So I'll sit here still
Taking deep breaths
Since air is so precious
It seems

And I'll tell myself stories
Ones I wish were real
To distract from the buzzing of the bathroom fan
And the cold of the closet
And the dark eating away at my peripheral vision
I cling to my phone
The only other light than the window
As it gives me both the comfort I need
And the stress I wish to avoid
But I can't
Won't
Put down this toxic object

It knows me too well
Replaces those who seem so far away
Just short of love
Real love
That I know
Deep down
It will always and forever lack
But I'll pretend otherwise
If I can just calm down

I can breathe
For now
I can wipe my face
And put on headphones
And drown out the delighted screams of my brothers
As they play their games
As they draw and color
As their lives shift continuously
Around my locked sphere

I hear more footsteps
Maybe I should leave
Try to pick up where I left off
And ignore the ugly ramblings
In the back of my mind
Knead shaky fingers into my scalp
And push out the bad stuff
Stuff that shouldn't have a name

And we'll leave it that way
So as to not start up again
This horrible, horrible feeling
Of loneliness
Panic
Desperation
But mostly
Ignorance
I wish I knew what ails me
But I haven't the time nor the energy
To collect myself to that degree
Of complete togetherness
Required to fix my problems
Once and for all

Goodbye
For now
Lest I forget
You are people too
Who should not be overlooked
I give you my love
Though you may give me your venom
But I'll take what I can get
To fake some speck of freedom