Darling You'll Be Okay (Kellic Fanfiction)

I Can't Drown My Fucking Demons

You guys, I am so sorry this took forever. I'm going to be updating a lot slower because there's just some stuff I need to sort out. I promise I won't stop completely! I wouldn't do that to you guys. Just please understand there's a lot of pressure on me to do a ton of stuff musically and academically. I'll try and update quicker, but no promises. I love you guys :*

-Mayeflower

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Kellin POV

I had locked myself in the bathroom when I was certain that Katelynne had left for chemo. Rowan, Liam, and Copeland were at their grandparents, so I was positive that no one would try and find me, let alone know that I disappeared at all.

I slid down the door and closed my eyes as I contemplated whether or not I wanted to ruin three long weeks of being clean. As memories from my and Katelynne's fight earlier rushed back through my mind, I decided that I didn't care anymore. I knew that Vic and Kate would be mad, but it just didn't matter to me anymore; I had been strong long enough.

I opened the cabinet under the sink and dug behind all the candles and useless junk to find my blade. I had hidden it in there right when I came back from tour. Of course, no one knew I did. I would have been chewed out if they ever found out I was allowing my self the option to self-harm again.

I grabbed my shiny new blade and held it in my fingers, admiring it sickeningly. I knew how twisted this was, and yet still I was going back on every promise I've ever made to the love of my life. I promised him I would be good while he was gone. I promised him I would do my best to be happy, when in reality, I was just letting myself bask in my depression. Maybe it wasn't good to think about it like that- I was just pissing myself off more.

I brought that shiny, silver blade to my wrist and pushed down. Once, twice, eight times, fifteen. I switched to the other wrist. I made the same number of horizontal slashes and watched as the droplets of blood fell to the tile floor. It seemed to memorise me as I was entranced by the bright red colour contrasting with the pure white of the tiles. A little pool started to form there.

I took a black rag from the bathroom closet and started to clean up the little mess I had made. I felt as if all the built up stress from the past few weeks had magically gone away with thirty simple cuts. I knew that, in a couple hours, all this euphoria I was feeling would go away and I would just as bad, if not worse than I was feeling before. I tried my hardest not to think about when that time would come, but it was hard. I took a deep breath and cleared my head from all worries.

I wrapped my wrists in gauze and medical tape and slipped on a sweater. But hey, it was like 55 degrees out today, so no one would assume anything. I double checked the sink, the floor, and the cabinets to make sure that there was no blood left, and when I was certain everything was clean, I left the bathroom.

My stomach was churning uncomfortably for the fact that it hadn't been given a real meal in four days. When Katelynne forced me to eat something, I would just throw it up ten minutes later. She kept confronting me, asking me things like "are you sick Kellin?" or "do you have an eating disorder?" I said no every time, but now I was starting to believe that she might be right. I acknowledged it very wearily though. I really didn't want to believe that it might be true.

I didn't know any guys with an eating disorder, let alone an almost thirty year old guy. I hated to think that I would be the only one. I always felt like I was the only one. I understood that I was probably being irrational and other guys were struggling with what I was dealing with, but I couldn't shake the thoughts out of my head. I was tired of being alone and feeling alone even though I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I wasn't. I had my family, I had Vic, I had all my fans. So then, why do I still feel so alone?