Spade (MxM)

Chapter 157

He lit the cigarette as he took a huge deep breath, inhaling a very big part of the smoke, before breathing out through his mouth, watching the clouds of smoke pass out and scatter into mist in the air.

He felt the hotness in his veins and the sweet smell of nicotine in the air, he knew he was probably already looking like shit by now, but he didn't care how he looked, what was the point anyway?
There was absolutely no reason for him to try and look better.

He felt even worse than he looked, he felt dead, lost and so fucking aimless.
He didn't even really know if he was living or just surviving at this point

His life was pretty boring and lonely before he met Nate, but it was worse now.
Now he was miserable, heart broken and worst of all, he still couldn't admit that he hated Nate.

He can never hate the young man even if he tried, and that was even worse than the heartbreak he was feeling.
He ran his hands down his face, looking around his office once more.

The bottles of whiskey on his wine cupboard were all finished, he'd drank them within two days, and as surprising at it sounded, it still didn't fill the void inside of him.

Instead it only grew bigger and deeper, and more empty, like a dark abyss of endlessness, that didn't have any meaning.
Actually his life didn't have any meaning now.

Even if mystery man decided to attack him now, he was fucking vulnerable and at his almost lowest, any blow delivered to him now would hit close to home.
He didn't have any fight in him left.

He clenched his jaw tight, Nate had finally stopped calling him, more like he'd blocked the young man, but that didn't block the feeling in his heart for Nate

He wanted to scream out, to groan and growl out in frustration, but what was the point?
It wouldn't change anything.

He still hadn't been to his house, the mansion was now where he stayed all the time.
It was funny how three weeks ago, he easily referred to his house as home, but now it was back to being just a house to him.

He took another puff of the cigarette and let out the smoke, watching it in the air before his door pushed open and Matteo walked in, the blonde studied him for a good second before he sat down on the couch

He didn't say anything, he just watched as Spade smoked away, and Spade was grateful to him for not saying anything, he didn't think he was in the mood to talk, infact he wasn't even in the mood to do anything recently.

He could tell Matteo wanted to say something but was still skeptical about it, before he would have asked, but now he didn't really want to know, because knowing would lead to him talking and he didn't want that.

Instead he just focused on his smoking, but his mind had other plans as it drifted to the day Nate had made him swear, that he'd never smoke again.

It felt like ages ago, he had not only swore but he promised that he'd never touch that murder stick, as Nate had called it.
He missed the young man, he clenched his jaw at this thoughts, he shouldn't be thinking about this for Nate.

For Christ's sake the young man betrayed him, that was the worst thing you could do to him, and Nate, the man he loved betrayed him.
He trusted Nate with his life, something he'd never done before, except with Matteo.

He had completely forgotten about the blonde, only now did he turn to look at Matteo, noticing the rough look he was also sporting, his hair was rumpled and his eyes had small tiny black bags under them, and his beards, they were growing and he didn't bother to shave them.

Spade furrowed his brows, something had changed in Matteo in the past month, but he didn't know what, he knew he had his own problem but that didn't make him completely oblivious to his brother's current state
He was about to open his mouth and speak when a knock on the door interrupted him, making him look at Matteo first, who in turn looked at him quizzically, before they both looked at the door, hearing the knock again