My Best Friend's Mediocre Boyfriend

Bitch, We Have Sex Here

Warning: This chapter will make you cringe. Proceed with cautious as you may never be the same again after reading this.

Addison

I was bored.

Days blurred together, and I couldn't separate mornings from evenings as I stared endlessly at white walls.

What's going to happen to me? Am I doomed to die in this sterile void of nothingness?

I was slowly going out of my mind, which is why it was a relief when he showed up. He was nothing special, I'll admit. But he was a distraction from the vast stretch of inactivity that loomed forever on.

"Is this seat taken?" he asked me one day at lunch time, pushing his glasses up onto the bridge of his nose.

I shook my head, gesturing at the empty spot across from me. "It's all yours."

His grimy finger gripped around a fork, and I sneered in disgust as he shoveled a glob of spaghetti into his mouth, noodles dangling out of his lips and tomato sauce dripping down his chin.

"So," he began, bits of food shooting out at me as he spoke. "What brings you here?" 

He gave me a friendly smile that was just as repulsive as the rest of him as it bared fuzzy yellow teeth that appeared to not have been brushed in days. We might have been prisoners, but that didn't mean that we didn't have access to toothbrushes. 

Or showers, I thought, my gaze travelling down to his dirt-encrusted fingernails. But his poor hygiene didn't stop there. No, the man's straggly hair was just as oily as his pimpled face.

I sighed. "I don't know," I muttered, rolling an apple beneath my palms. "I thought my best friend's boyfriend was cute or something."

He frowned. "Oof. The people must have had a field day with that one. Personally, I don't believe in monogamy myself. Why should I commit to one woman when I have hordes of them throwing themselves at my feet daily?"

Riiiight. I'm sure that's exactly what happens.

Taking a bite from my fruit, I nodded at him. "What got you snatched from planet Wattpad?"

He scoffed. "Can you believe that the people labelled me as a lousy rapper?" He pounded his fists on the table, his acne covered cheeks turning red. "I was a world-famous celebrity, damn it!"

I arched a brow, wondering why I didn't recognize him if he was supposedly as famous as he had claimed. Perhaps, the people weren't totally off in their harsh assessment of this one.

"I'm sorry," I apologized. "Who are you?"

He rolled his eyes, extending his palm out towards me to shake my hand. "I'm 'Lex B."

"Oh," I replied flatly, no sparks of recognition flaring up in my brain.

"Surely, you've heard of my number one song, I'm Scared," he stated in disbelief.

I shook my head. "Um...no?"

"Stuffed her used panties in my face," he began rapping as he waved his hands to and fro. "The feel of the lace, no other sensation could ever replace. When I see your face, I'm scared. When you hit me with that mace, I'm scared."

He paused at my blank expression. "No? Seriously?"

"I'm certain it was a hit," I replied, weakly.

He sighed. "For fuck's sake," he muttered. "You really do belong here. That's just criminal that you haven't listened to such a masterpiece."

"I didn't listen to rap music back on Wattpad. I preferred-"

He held up one palm. "Don't even say Taylor Swift. The people will have an aneurysm if they hear you mention her name."

"I was going to say," I continued sharply. "That I preferred playing checkers."

Sitting back in my chair, I exhaled, musing over how much I missed the game. I was so desperate to feel a hard piece gripped between my fingers that I would have even considered playing a match or two with Lex if that were possible.

He scoffed as he studied his filthy nails.

"What?" I inquired.

"Checkers is so PG," he chastised. "Bitch, we have sex here."

I tilted my head at him. "What's that?"

"Are you serious right now?" He stared at me incredulously before dropping his head into his hands and groaning.

"Alright, come here." He summoned me to him with a curl of his bacteria ridden finger. As he whispered the intricacies of the naughty act into my ear, my eyes widened.

"Stop it!" I exclaimed, pressing my palm to my mouth. "Why on Wattpad would anyone ever want to stick that there?"

"Because it's fucking divine," he replied, taking a puff from a cigarette that he conjured up from out of nowhere as though he were Harry Potter. He blew out a cloud of smoke. "Imagine listening to one of my rap songs and then amplifying that sensation. That's exactly what fucking feels like."

"Oh," I said, raking my gaze over him. "Do you want to try it with me?"

He scoffed. "Sweetheart, no. You're much too ugly for a man as studly as I am."

My shoulders sagged in disappointment, and he sighed. "Alright, fine. I guess I could humor you."

"Just don't cry when you discover how ripped my chest is," he continued. "It weirds me out when women do that."

I nodded eagerly, crossing my heart. "I won't."

Standing up, Lex slipped his filthy little paw into my palm and led me towards the bathrooms. He did what I presumed was meant to be a seductive dance as he slipped off his t-shirt.

And that's when I audibly gasped at the magnificent sight before me. He wasn't lying. His pecs and abdomen really were gloriously buffed. He resembled a Greek God, and I moaned in anticipation of getting to caress his bronzed muscles.

He rolled his eyes. "Here we go. I told you not to fawn all over me."

"I'm sorry," I cried, tossing my arms around his veined neck. "But take me now. I need to feel every inch of your throbbing meat spear inside of me."

He fingered my hair with his digits, his glowing brown orbs locking onto mine. Then slowly, he pulled out his member.

I marveled at the sheer beauty of his masculinity. "Oh, Lex," I breathed. "Get lost in my sacred oasis!"

Without hesitation, he immediately plundered himself into my treasure chest, seeking out the gold that lay within.

Shimmering stars floated in my vision as I experienced the beauty of making sweet passionate love with a man for the very first time.

How can I ever go back to checkers after discovering the wonder that is sex?

I was a changed woman. And for the first time, I thought that perhaps, getting discarded from my world wasn't so horrific. 

I could never be allowed to engage in such a scandalous activity there. And who would I even do it with? Matt was certainly off-limits.

My thighs quivered as I soared to the peak of Mount Orgasm. 

"Oh, 'Lex B!" I cried, collapsing into his strong arms. "I'm scared that I may have just fallen in love with you."

"Chills, woman," he replied, nudging me away with a dirty look and taking a drag off another cigarette. "What did I tell you? Homes commits to no one. Rapping is my only love."

"Oh."

I guess I will just have to find someone else to love me then.

Question of the day: Do you think that Addison will ever find her true love?