My Best Friend's Mediocre Boyfriend

Sleeping With Mr. Floof Floof Every Night

Vanessa

"You didn't tell me that you were getting another goldfish," I piped up, eyeing my boyfriend and wondering if I even knew who he was now that our trust had been completely broken.

He dipped his finger into the tank, tenderly stroking the fish's fin as it swam around. His expression of adoration for the aquatic pet made me feel inferior.

This is how it was with Peppy.

Peppy had received most of his attention and care, to the point where I may as well have not even existed. Frowny face.

"I'm lonely, Vanessa," he stated, cupping the fish and bringing it out of the water so that he could pet it while it flipped about in his lap.

"What do you mean you're lonely?" I asked incredulously. "Our life is perfect. The sky is blue, the birds are chirping. There's plenty of squirrels to keep you company. What could possibly be wrong?"

He shrugged as he cooed at Salty. "I'm human. Is it so terrible that I feel emotions?"

"Yes!" I cried with an outrage, springing up from the carpet. "You're not supposed to be complex. It doesn't make you very likeable. Only flawless is acceptable."

I clutched my chest, my breathing ragged from all that I was hearing. 

Who is this man?

First lying by omission and now, having negative thoughts?

Tapping my finger to my chin, I eyed him. "What should we do about this very pressing problem?" I asked.

I held up my palm to him as I continued. "Watch what you say though. One wrong sentence is all it takes for me to change my opinion of you forever."

He sighed and narrowed his eyes. "You're the one that's being rude to me. Why do I have to take the heat all the time for your actions?"

Smiling, I smoothed out the crease in the thigh of my jeans. "Because I'm a woman, Matt. That's how it is. Even if I cast the first stone, you'll always be viewed as the guilty party. It's easier  for a man to be portrayed as a jerk."

"Alright," he replied, tossing his arms up in the air. "What do I have to do then? Never get angry? Never say something that I shouldn't? Love you forever even though that's not what I want, and I know that ultimately it won't make me happy?"

A squeal of delight fell from my lips as I clapped my hands. "Yes! Now you're getting it. And get rid of Salty too."

He frowned at me with furrowed brows. "But why?"

I gestured at the fish that was now happily swimming back inside the tank. "Because you lied to me. Duh. I'll never forget that you did that, and it will be brought up in every argument from this day forth."

He stood up and began pacing back and forth across the room. "Look, Vanessa, I apologize for not informing you that Salty was my new pet, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I'm still going to give you loads of attention."

My eyes drifted over towards the orange scaled fish and even though I knew that Matt's time with Peppy was in the past, I couldn't get over the intense feelings of jealously I felt about him spending his days with another fish.

What if he decides he would rather hang out with his pet than with me? How can I compete with majestic fins and a hue so fiery that it resembles flames underwater?

But I'm a perfect peach. I can't imagine why he wouldn't want to keep my company.

Matt glanced over at me as I bit my lip and he sighed. Then kneeling in front of me, he grasped my fingers. "I cherish you, Vanessa, and even though we will eventually break up, I want you to know that it won't be because of Salty. It will be because of you. So, you have nothing to worry about with the fish."

I nodded. "Okay," I answered slowly. "I think...I can live with that. I'm okay with being the one that burns our relationship to the ground because of my insecurities, but as long as it's not because you adore a fish more than you do me. Because that would be the real tragedy."

With a sympathetic smile, he gave my hand a small pat. "Absolutely. Now what do you say I go take you to have an awkward conversation with my dad that will have you second guessing our entire relationship?"

***

"Good evening, Mr. Jones," I greeted, taking a seat at the kitchen island. 

"Vanessa!" he exclaimed, handing me a steaming mug of hot cocoa. "I'm tickled that you've chosen to spend some time with me."

I giggled. "Well, it wasn't really my choice. I was more than happy to avoid you, but I was forced into this chat because nobody picked up on the social cues that I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave."

His eyes were sincere as he nodded. "I completely understand. It's just that Matt is completely obsessed with you, and I wanted to make sure you knew that. He told me that you are the only thing that brings him joy, so I thought it fit to drill that into your head."

He took a long sip from his milk. "The only thing, Vanessa," he repeated. "You leave, and it's curtains for the Matt show. I really want to make certain that you have a good idea the amount of pressure I'm placing on you to be solely responsible for his emotions."

Then taking a seat beside me, he splayed his fingers across the gleaming countertop. "You see, I'm a rather oblivious parent and rather than requesting my son to seek help, I'd prefer to encourage his unhealthy behavior."

Nodding, I gulped down my cocoa, wincing at the high temperature that scalded my tongue. "You don't see anything the matter with his being dependent on me?"

"Heck no!" he exclaimed. "I'm thrilled about it, in fact. That means less work I have to do make sure he's alright. Good riddance!"

"I know I'm a scoundrel for admitting this," he continued. "But I would much rather place the burden of him upon someone else."

"Oh," I replied, glancing up as Matt came into the room.

"Were you two gossiping about me?" he asked with a grin.

Matt's dad looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and nudged me in the ribs. "Nope. Only about your days of sleeping with Mr. Floof Floof every night."

"Aw, how cute," I smiled, spinning in the chair to face my boyfriend. "You had a stuffed animal?"

Matt's jaw dropped open as he stared at his father in disbelief, crimson staining his cheeks. 

"Dad!" he exclaimed. "You swore you wouldn't tell anyone about the romance I had with that ninety-year-old man over the summer."

"Whoops!" his dad replied, holding up his palms. "It's a good thing that I'm your parent and have a free pass to embarrass you as much as I want."

He gave me a wink, indicating that only the two of us would ever know what we had really discussed. I would take it to my grave as that would be far more mortifying for Matt to know.

Question of the day: Do you think that Matt should have told Vanessa about Salty as soon as he bought the fish?