Project Athena | Reviews

Statuelike (Haize)

Author: incurablesimp

Reviewer: adretaRyder

Genre: Fantasy

Your story presents an interesting idea, especially with having an entirely different species hiding in plain sight on Earth but it falls short in several areas that hinder its potential. The blurb, while interesting, lacks a clear description of the central conflict that would captivate readers from the start. To draw readers in, it is crucial to provide a compelling hook that showcases the unique conflict or mystery at the heart of your story. So, Nekt and Lou meet...and? The first ha;f of the blurb is well done, but the second is basically incomplete. As readers, we are not told anything about what it is we're supposed to want to read in this story.

One of the main issues I found with your writing is the broken sentence structure and improper use of grammar and punctuation. These flaws disrupt the flow of the story, making it difficult for readers to fully engage as they go. Simple editing tools like Grammarly exist, for the basics of grammar/punctuation to make your story easier to read.

Additionally, the descriptions in the story are often on the nose and lack smooth integration into the rest of the chapter. Rather than explicitly stating details, it would be more effective to slip them subtly into the story, allowing readers to discover the world and its elements organically. Instead of describing to me what the characters look like in one paragraph, or telling me about the abilities or norets, you could just show me through simple interaction with another character, or a scene where those abilities are being used.

The story also suffers from information dumps regarding the strengths and weaknesses of the norets. Instead of providing these details all at once, they could be gradually revealed throughout the story, creating a sense of intrigue and maintaining reader engagement.

The sudden switch in the first chapter from the two norets talking to a woman being burned at the stake is jarring and feels out of place. It lacks a clear connection to the overall plot, leaving readers confused and disconnected from the narrative. A smoother transition or a clearer link to the central conflict would greatly improve the cohesion of the story.

Furthermore, the fight scenes in chapters two and four suffer from abrupt transitions between sequences. To create a more immersive experience, the author should focus on crafting smooth transitions that allow readers to follow the action seamlessly.

For example instead of this:

Nekt's hand wandered to his own belt as he drew out a knife. He came to school prepared this time and made sure no one noticed a thing.

Lou tried to get close to the noret but Nekt threw the knife at him with such accuracy the hunter actually had to focus to dodge.

Nekt managed to run through the aisle between the desks, he stopped behind the next to last table and observed Lou's movements carefully.

Have this:

Nekt's hands drifted casually towards his belt as he walked as if adjusting his clothing. In one swift motion, his fingers curled around the hilt of the knife concealed there. He had come prepared this time.

Lou closed in on Nekt, sensing weakness in his opponent. But Nekt struck like a viper, the knife leaving his hand in a flashing arc. Lou threw himself aside just in time, narrowly avoiding the blade's deadly accuracy.

Pressed, Nekt spun and fled between the rows of desks. His footsteps fell light and fast. Reaching the back, he halted and turned slowly, eyes scanning for the slightest tell of Lou's approach. The hunter would not find him an easy target.

The flow here is smoother and it does not seem like each paragraph is an independent scene from the past one.

The timeline of the story is also unclear, with the prologue set in 1484 and chapter three in 1593. It would be helpful to establish the time period of the first and second chapters to provide readers with a clear understanding of the story's progression.

In chapter three, the dialogue about the noret past and history feels like an information dump. The characters involved in the conversation are already aware of the story being discussed, making it unrealistic for them to rehash it amongst themselves. A more natural approach would involve the characters sharing this information with someone who is unaware, thereby integrating the exposition more seamlessly into the narrative.

Overall, your story has potential but requires significant revisions to fulfill its potential. With a clearer blurb, improved sentence structure, smoother descriptions, gradual information dissemination, better transitions, and more realistic dialogue, the story could become a captivating and immersive read. You should also pay attention to grammar and punctuation to ensure a polished final product.