Project Athena | Reviews

The Girl From Human World (Roses)

Author: xxxunknownstar

Reviewer: Rain_dropsand_roses

Genre: Fantasy

When it comes to grammar and punctuation, it is evident that there are significant issues in your writing. These errors can make reading difficult and disrupt the flow of the story. To address this, I would recommend utilizing editing tools such as ProWritingAid or Grammarly. These tools can help you identify and rectify grammar mistakes, enhancing the readability of your work. Investing time in improving your grasp of grammar will go a long way in attracting and retaining readers. Even your title has incorrect grammar.

Another area that needs improvement is the excessive telling instead of showing in the storytelling. The events in the story are narrated rather than allowing readers to experience them firsthand. To remedy this, focus on incorporating more vivid descriptions, engaging dialogue, and immersive scenes. Instead of providing information through info-dumps, find creative ways to integrate the history and worldbuilding into the narrative. Show the readers the world and its intricacies through interactions, observations, and dialogue between the characters.

In terms of descriptions, most of those provided lack depth and fail to evoke a strong visual image, especially with the way they are delivered. Like this for example.

Jasper is 5.10 ft with black hair and emerald green eyes. He seems more clever than others, and most importantly, unlike others, he doesn't have that serious-looking face. He looks quite friendly.

Instead of just using a statement like that, you can use:

Actions and behaviors: Instead of explicitly stating that Jasper is clever, demonstrate his intelligence through his actions. Show him solving complex problems, outsmarting others, or demonstrating quick thinking in challenging situations. For instance, he could effortlessly navigate a difficult puzzle or come up with a clever solution to a problem.

Dialogue and conversations: Use dialogue to reveal Jasper's intelligence and friendly nature. Have him engage in witty banter, showcase his knowledge on specific subjects, or engage in insightful conversations that highlight his intelligence or amiability. This allows readers to witness his cleverness and friendly demeanor firsthand.

Interactions with others: Show Jasper's cleverness and friendliness through his interactions with other characters. Perhaps he offers helpful advice, finds creative solutions to their problems, or displays empathy and understanding. These interactions can demonstrate his intelligence and friendly nature in a more dynamic and engaging manner.

Reactions to situations: When faced with challenges or surprises, depict Jasper's unique responses that reflect his cleverness or friendly disposition. Maybe he handles difficult situations with a lighthearted approach, diffusing tension with humor, or he uses his intelligence to find unconventional solutions that benefit others.

Symbolic details: Instead of explicitly describing Jasper's physical appearance, incorporate symbolic details that represent his traits. For example, you could mention that he wears colorful and playful accessories that contrast with his serious-looking peers, highlighting his friendly and approachable nature.

Lastly, the issue of mixed tenses disrupts the flow of the story. Consistency in verb tenses is crucial for maintaining coherence and readability. To overcome this challenge, take extra care during the editing process to ensure that the tenses remain consistent throughout the narrative. Proofreading and revising the work thoroughly, specifically focusing on tense consistency, will help maintain a smooth and uninterrupted reading experience.

You're still very new to writing, so a lot of these things will take time as practice. Its the basics that you need to try and master first, and then build up on that as you go. What you write will get better over time, it doesn't matter if you have a very good story in your head but then you write it poorly. Polish up on the rules of the language, find writing resources across Wattpad, there's several, Project Athena itself has some. Work on that first, then you can worry about what the story content is.