POV: I'm indecisive

BOOK VIII

VANESSA . R .

When I was younger my mother used to ask me the question: when do you feel most beautiful?And every time I would ask her how can I feel beautiful when I don't look it. I was too young to know the true meaning of beauty and at that age I was also too young to realise that beauty only existed on the inside.

Many people would tell me that my mother had a beautiful soul and I never understood what they meant until she taught me that beauty was something you could only feel and project onto others. Unfortunately, I only let the lesson guide me down the right path when it was too late and I was never able to tell my mother how grateful I was to have her.

I started dancing when I was around one year old and at first my mother insisted on me taking all styles. For example: Ballet, Contemporary, Jazz, modern; tap and acro. But by the time I was five years old I had made the decision that I only wanted to pursue ballet. Although I was only young, I knew in that moment that this was what I wanted to do, this would be my life's dream.

It makes me feel elegant and in some ways it makes me feel closer to my mother, she was a ballerina in the performing arts school of London which is what originally motivated me to make it this far.

I tell her every year the answer to the question she would always ask me but for some reason it doesn't feel like she accepts my answer. I tell her I feel most beautiful when I'm dancing because it makes me forget about the whole world, all I can focus on is being in the moment and in the moment I feel perfect. Like nothing can harm me, my mind travels to a safe place in a field of roses. All standing perfectly, none withering, none of them dying, but all of them alive and breathing.

First position - if I'm not perfect then I am nothing, Second position - if I'm not the strongest, then I'm the weakest. Third position - if I'm skinnier I'll look much more appealing to the audience. Fourth position - if I keep dancing the pain will eventually go away. Fifth position - If I'm not perfect then I am nothing.

"Not the worst I've seen, Ramirez" Madame Montanari bangs her cane against the hard-wood floor.

I take a moment to observe my reflection in the mirror, my chocolate brown hair matching perfectly to the dark brown eyes looking back at me. The tie from my purple cross over cardigan hanging loosely, revealing the leotard underneath and the tights leading down my legs to the point shoes which mercilessly torture my feet. Slightly purple patches mark up and down my naturally tanned skin from all the times my ankles gave out in the middle of pirouettes and jumps.

The class watches in suspense as she limps over to the piano in the corner of the room where she keeps her handbag. She pulls out a notebook and opens it a few pages in whilst pulling down the glasses from the top of her head to the bridge of her nose.

"I have an opportunity for a few of you to earn elite points" she announces, my eyes snap to her small frame through the mirror.

Madame Montanari is a small and thin woman, she always wears dark colours and cardigans and you will never see her without one accessory - the cane she always bangs on the floor.

"The annual T.Y.T.O. will take place in this upcoming week" she informs us "I have selected a few of you to represent the ballet students".

I turn around slowly and give my full attention to the small woman. The T.Y.T.O. or The Troubled youth trade off is a big deal around the academy. Every year kids come from the juvenile detention centre on a deal that they'll have a limited probation time, during the time they will attend classes with us to trade off our skills.

Much like the academy, the centre has four separate departments. The dancers are always paired alongside the athletes of the centre which always causes competition. So much so that the academy introduced a performance at the end of the six weeks to determine the winner. The main competition happens between the hip hop dancers and the ballet dancers.

Since the beginning of the tradition, the hip hop dancers have won every year for their "individuality and creativity". Well every year except one when the ballet dancers took first place, they haven't been able to celebrate the same since.

"Elena Anderson, Christian Lee, Annabelle Diaz, Cyprus Mount and Vanessa Ramirez" she reads the names from her notebook "you five will continue to the hours of normal classes, the rest of you are excused to before and after hour classes".

She dismisses the class with a bang of her cane, we all pile out towards the lockers and as I reach my own, a hand is placed on my shoulder. I turn around and see Elena smiling brightly at me.

"Congratulations" she beams "I didn't think you'd be picked to be honest".

"What made you think that?" I ask, pulling the duffel bag from my locker.

"You're Vanessa Ramirez" she exclaims sarcastically "you don't do partners and you don't do patience".

She's right of course, everybody knew that I don't like relying on a second party when competition is involved. It makes me feel vulnerable, like the fate of the outcome isn't in my own hands and that scares me more than anything in this world .

"Are you coming tomorrow tonight?" Elena asks, pulling a lolly pop from her pocket.

I sit down on the bench and begin untying the ribbon from my shoes.

"Coming where?" I ask with a yawn.

"Christian is having a party in the boys dorm to celebrate" she says before placing the lolly in her mouth.

"What's he celebrating?" I furrow my eye brows, knowing his birthday isn't for another few months.

"The arrival of the bad boys" Christian's voice sings from beside me as he takes a seat "Ramirez you should no by now that any occasion is a party occasion".

Cyprus comes along with him, carrying a cardboard box which he drops down on the ground with a thud. Christian sends a glare his way.

"Could you be careful?" Christian rolls his eyes.

"Sorry your royal majesty" Cyprus bows his head before leaning back on the lockers.

"So you're throwing a party to welcome a bunch of criminals.." I nod my head motioning for his reason.

"In all the shows I've ever watched" Christian begins "the bad boys have always been hot and plus it's a fantasy of mine".

"To be lured into a room with a hot criminal?" I ask and he nods "only to be stabbed and viciously murdered".

His smile drops and now I'm the one to be glared at, Cyprus lets out a chuckle before tucking his lips in once Christian sends him a look.

"Bitch you better be there" he warns "we need to loosen you up with a good time if you know what I mean" he winks.

I roll my eyes at him and pull a pair of trainers out of my bag, he sits there laughing to himself for a few minutes before standing up and announcing his departure.

"Hate to break up our reunion but Cyprus and I have a lot of work to do" he announces "love you xoxo, Cyprus get the box".

Cyprus lets out a loud sigh and picks up the box he dropped "catch you later, Ramirez" he smiles.

"Cyprus is so hot" Elena cries once he walks away "Ramirez, how is he so hot?".

"You really think so?" I scrunch my face up "I'd say he's average at best".

"That's because your standards are high" she sighs "why can't I have a normal friend?".

"Why can't I have a normal roommate?" I ask rhetorically.

"Is that all I am to you? A roommate?" She places a hand on her heart.

"We can be whatever you want to be me amore" I wink flirtatiously at her.

"Don't" she laughs "I can't handle your accent, it's the one thing that Cyprus is missing".

"Elena if you date Cyprus then you date Christian" I remind her "they're a package deal".

"Yeah but-" she tries to reason with me "fuck my life".

Elena grabs her bag and storms off towards the exit. I laugh and sling my duffel bag over my shoulder before walking out after her.

xoxo