A Thousand Times Enough

⋆ Chapter 1 ⋆

I . • °

I know it's probably not good to say, but I hate my life. The feeling of dread every morning I wake up, is too much to bare. And considering this dreadful feeling is on a daily basis...I would love to find an easy way out of it.

A lot of this comes from what I go through in my daily life. Like I don't have much like others I was surrounded by everyday, so a lot of that caused me to shut down and not be around most my age.

Being that there isn't much to talk about with them and they can't relate to me in any way. Teenagers are to be teens and live out their teen years full of energy and not have to care about things that they know their parents will take care of.

I guess that's the beauty of being a teenager, but unfortunately I don't live out those teenage fantasies...and haven't for a long time.

Because of that...it's a constant reminder of who I am and who I am not and the life I will never have, because  I had to take care of those things.

There were days that I actually felt like I was walking on clouds—that I was not really here, not really living and barely breathing.

I felt like I was floating my way through life and honestly as crazy as it may sound I would be okay with that part if I was actually not feeling any of the pain...if I could feel nothing.

But I guess feeling nothing for the rest of my life would be too easy, and I would never have that.

But even though that was what I truly wanted, I couldn't give up and that was the most hardest thing of all...because it wouldn't just be me that I'm giving up on.

I woke up that morning like every other morning staring at the ceiling, in my shitty apartment. Same routine for the last two years, no alarm no anything. I barely get sleep most nights, it's hard for me to, my late night overthinking turns into an all night thing.

But even when I dose off...I sometimes abruptly wake up from nightmares, and then I'm up for the rest of the time after.

Yes it's exhausting, but I never let that get in the way of my schooling. I had a love and hate relationship with school like everyone else you could say, but it was my only way out to have a better life or even a career.

Even though I knew that I probably wouldn't be able to pay to go to college, at least I could finish high school, maybe get lucky with some scholarships. That's all I had to go on because being  stuck with hell of student loans was not the ideal life I wanted to live either, that would be like adding fuel to the rest of my problems.

I soon got up quickly  to get  ready for school because I was always pushing for time most days. I looked at my phone, as usual no notifications but from random apps that I forgot to delete months ago.

I opened my bedroom door and walked down the hall to get to the bathroom. It wasn't far considering the apartment I lived in was big enough for one person..barely that.

On my way to the bathroom I saw my dad, in the kitchen leaning over the kitchen counter staring at what seemed like papers.

As I made my way to the kitchen I stood there, looking at him feeling nothing but sorrow.

"What is that?" I blurted out lowly with a lump in my throat.

Looking up at me, with a flustered expression he broke the silence.