The Goodbye Note

Chapter 20

The song I recommend is Shake It Off by Taylor Swift.

***

Monday's, the most awful day of the week. Monday's mean returning to school or work or just life and I really do hate that. News spreads like a wildfire in this school, so returning really sucks. Just like when Emma passed everyone who never noticed me notices me. Like Liam at the pep rally, the kid has never talked to me and we've been in the same school since kindergarten. It's funny, when you're normal no one notices you, but when something huge has happened, people pretend like they've always been friends with you. People who I don't even know their names tell me that it'll be awhile before I'm okay again. But honestly like I've said before, I haven't been okay since the day I lost my sister, and now, now I'm really not okay. I'm worse than before, but Dean inspired me, he kept his true self hidden with a smile, which I could never do, but I can hide my tears. I can act like I'm fine and like I'm not dying horribly on the inside.

Mack and I get out of her car, my dad doesn't think I should be allowed to be alone for a while, which I think is a little ridiculous, but it doesn't matter what I think. As soon as we walk through the front gates of the big brick building Dan and Xander catch up with us. "Okay now that we're all together can you tell me, I mean us, what happened on your date with Dean." Mack says. She has been bugging me since I got home yesterday, and I'm a person who really doesn't like repeating herself, so I told her that I would tell all three of them at the same time.

"Well I did what you all wanted me to do, I lived and I did something that was daunting. I jumped off a cliff! Oh and he kissed me!" I practically scream. As much as my life sucks right now I allow myself to be happy about this, Dean makes me happy.

Mack gives me a huge hug, "I'm so happy for you." Dan doesn't look thrilled but I know deep down it's because he likes Dean, and I know that if it was anyone else he would be thrilled for me, but I just have to wait a little to let the jealousy die down. And then we have Xander, I know he's happy for me but he's a boy, he doesn't jump up and down about these things, what he does do is hug me and smile, and I wouldn't expect anything more from him. "Okay but after school you need to show me this cliff, I can't believe we haven't been there before." Mack says and turns toward Dan, "Why don't you look happy for Em?" And this is when it hits me, I forgot that he hadn't come out to Mack and Xander yet.

He looks at me then at Mack, "I didn't get a lot of sleep this weekend, I'm sorry if I don't look happy, I am very happy for you Em, and I can't wait to see how long you guys will last for." If I didn't know any better I would think that he wants us to end, good thing I know him. As much as I feel bad for him, I'm still happy, I mean I actually kissed a boy! And it wasn't a dare. It was because he actually likes me. But the day before that I lost my mother.

My life is really just something else.

My happy moments are ruled out by all the sad and tragic ones. I can never just get a break. I'm happy for one minute and sad for one month. But this time, I'm going to try my best to stay happy for as long as possible, I'm going to take risks and I'm going to live not just for myself but for my mom and Emma. Their lives were cut short, but just because theirs were doesn't mean mine is also. And I think that that's what Mack was trying to make me understand. I'm never going to fully heal from their passing but I can make the wounds a little smaller, and maybe eventually I can close those wounds and make them scars. But even scars never really go away, they just remind us of our past and what shouldn't repeat, but then again some things we just can't control.

***

School sucked, just like every school day. But come on what do you expect, sitting and learning about a bunch of useless stuff that we will probably never use in our lives, but yeah, I mean haven't we all been there. The amount of homework that I received is ridiculous, eight classes, eight piles of paper. And of course I still have my art project about the one I love. But now, I have four choices, my dad, Mack, Xander, or Dan. How does one know who they love most? I mean what if I took their names out of a hat so no harsh feelings. Or I could just choose who would look the most appealing as a portrait. Definitely Mack and her ginger hair. She's just a natural beauty, and that's why I should do her. But she's also restless and if I want this portrait to look perfect then I need her in person to sit still.