The Goodbye Note

Chapter 19

The song I recommend for this chapter is Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran and Mine by Taylor Swift.

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I wake up and for a second I forget what happened, until I see that I am in Mack's room, then the whole night comes back to me. I didn't have nightmares, but I did have a dream. My mom was uninjured and walking towards me, but unfortunately I woke up before the dream could go any further. But maybe it's not a bad thing that I woke up. If I continued with the dream, it could've turned into a nightmare. I don't need another nightmare, I mean it feels like my life is a nightmare, one I can never awake from, one that is going to last until the end of my time. It wasn't until now that I truly understood what people meant when they said that dying is easy and living is hard. But, now, I completely understand. Dying is easy because one second you're living life and working everyday until you aren't, life changes in a second. And living is hard because we have to find a way to move on after someone we love dies. I'll never be able to move on, I can maybe cry less, but I'll never fully move on. I love Emma, but she's gone now. I'll never stop loving her or missing her, and the same applies to my mom. Is this how my life is supposed to be? Is everyone I love and care for going to leave me? Or worse, are they all going to die?

No! I cannot think like this. My mom and Emma, did not choose to leave me. They were killed by horrible people who will forever live in misery, they will live with the guilt of knowing they killed someone. Unless they don't feel guilty, if they don't feel guilty then they're an animal. But their deaths weren't planned so those two killers must feel guilty, right? When Mack walks in my brain stops with all these thoughts that were running wild.

"Morning," she says softly as she sits at the end of the bed. "How are you doing?" I know she's just trying to be gentle and sweet, but I hate it when people feel sorry for me, I hate it when they treat me like a kicked puppy.

I give her a soft smile, "I'm okay, I mean, I'm as good as expected. I just- well you know how hard it is to lose someone that you love. It just doesn't feel real. I mean just a few days ago she was bugging me to let her drive me to school. But now, now I don't have that chance anymore. Mack, she's gone. Just like Emma. Neither one of them is coming back. And there's nothing I can do to make this any less real. I never thought I would have to say bye to my mother at such a young age, hell, I didn't think I would ever say goodbye to Emma. But this is all real. I hate it. I'm losing everything and everyone. And I can't help but feel that my mom's death was my fault. It was all because I thought he was an actor. I'm an idiot. None of this feels right. I just don't understand why everyone I love is gone,there's no easy way to deal with this, I mean sure I have you, Dan, and Xander but that's it it's just you guys and my dad." I pause to wipe my tears that were coming down like heavy rain. "My life is not what it used to be, I used to be some spoiled little girl with her twin sister who had 'a perfect family'. But now, now all I have is my dad and best friends. I mean sure at least I have people that I still love but, my life is never going to be the same, ever. I mean come on I thought I had the perfect life and I wanted more but now all I want is to have my sister and my mom back. I love them and I miss both of them so much and I wish life didn't suck. If life didn't suck none of this would've happened Mack I'm living a nightmare. The difference is I'm never going to wake up from this nightmare. I'm going to have to live with it every day until I die. I don't know if I can, it's just so hard. I really just want my sister and my mom back. It's not fair that they were taken from me." I look up to see Mack crying, this was rare, I've known her since fifth grade and the only time I've seen her cry is when her mom told her the news about Emma, at Emma's funeral, and now. I am happy that I said all that. I feel like something inside me is relieved that I finally let all of it out. Everything from my mom to Emma. I said how I felt outside instead of keeping in and making it worse every time I think of them.