stay with me

Chapter 34

Hunter:

After I leave Grey's I go home and I get drunk. I get really fucking drunk because I can't deal with what I just did. I also take a few pain killers just to make sure that I can't feel anything. I welcome the numbness and the solace the alcohol and pain killers bring me. After drinking a bottle of whiskey I finally pass out.

I do that for the next three days. I get up and then I drink myself into oblivion. Nothing really matters anymore and I can't bring myself to go outside because I'm afraid I'll run into Grey. I'm afraid if I see her that I'll lose all resolve to let her go and I can't do that. So I stay inside and I drink.

It's been four days since I've been out in the real world and I have no plans of going out today either. I have work today but I don't think I'm gonna go. I think I need to look for a new job and maybe even a new place to live so that Grey can't come looking for me. We both need this to be a clean break.

I'm about to start my daily drinking binge when I hear a loud banging on the door. I don't check to see who it is before I open it but when I do I wish I would have. It's Grey.

I'm stunned for a moment by the sight of her and how fucking beautiful she is but I remind myself that I need to stay strong here. You can't give in.

"What are you doing here?" I sneer.

I can tell she's a little taken off guard by my tone but she doesn't bolt instead she shoves past me to get inside. "I'm here to see you" she says determinedly. "Since it's clear to me now that you were just planning on bailing on me without so much as a words notice."

Her tone is harsh but I can tell that she's hurt. I hate that I hurt her. I suck.

"Yea well things were just getting a little too serious for me" I tell her. I know that it's a low blow and it will hurt her but the faster she hates me and sees what a piece of shit I am the better for both of us.

"So that's how it's going to be?" she asks me shocked and disgusted. "You told me I could talk to you. I trusted you!" she shouts at me.

"Now you know better for next time" I tell her. "You shouldn't trust a guy who has a reputation for fucking random bar sluts."

She recoils from my words and I hate myself just a little bit more. I want to hold her and tell her I'm sorry but I can't.

"Why are you doing this?" she whispers and I see that her big blue eyes have tears in them. "This isn't you" she says disbelievingly.

"You're wrong" I tell her. "This is me" I say as I lift my arms spreading them wide.

"No it's not" she says her voice becoming stronger. "You are kind and sweet and smart and considerate and strong." Hearing her call me those things warms my numb heart. "You just want me to think this is you because you're hiding something. You're scared" she says calling me out.

God, she really did know me. She was so perceptive and smart. Maybe too much for her own good. Why couldn't she be like other girls and call me a dick and then leave? Why was she fighting for me?

"I'm not hiding anything Grey" I tell her as I turn away from her because I can't look her in the eye and lie to her. "You just need to accept that this is who I am. I'm a worthless piece of shit."

"No you are not" she says strongly. "I don't believe that and neither should you. I get it something awful obviously happened in your past to make you believe this about yourself but you have to know that you're not. You're wonderful. Believe that. Believe me."

I want to. I want to believe her so damn badly. If she's right than I can be with her but I know she's not. But I want her to be.

"Just go Grey" I tell her. "This" I say pointing between the two of us. "Is over."

"Don't I get a say?" she asks.

"No, you don't" I tell her definitively.

"You may think that you are no good for me but you're wrong. No one else could have done what you did for me these past few months. You've healed me in ways I never thought possible. You made me happy and made me realize I'm not broken and damaged like I thought I was. You made me feel strong and beautiful. After I lost Jason I never thought I'd be happy again and I sure as hell never believed that I would fall in love ever again but here I am" she says as she shrugs her shoulders. "I love you Hunter" she tells me as her blue eyes bore into mine and I have to look away before I come undone. "So you can run and push me away as much as you want but I'll fight for you because I believe in you. I believe in us. And if there is one thing I've learned it's that you fight for love. You hold on when you find it and you never let it go."

She loves me. She'll fight for me. Those words replay over and over in my mind as I stare at her. I know one thing's for sure what I'm about to do might actually kill me.

I walk over to her and close the gap between us. She looks hopeful and almost happy. She thinks I'm going to kiss her. She thinks her speech worked. I lean into her and look deep into her eyes when I tell her "Well I don't love you". My tone is ice cold and I can see the shock in her eyes. "So why don't you quit fighting, let go, and get the fuck out of here."

She looks at me shocked and hurt. I can see tears forming in her eyes but I force myself to look at her. She can't see me waver. She can't see weakness. I feel like I'm going to be sick but I keep myself in check.

She stares at me for a moment searching for the guy she loves but I make sure all she sees is the cold jerk who just told her to get the fuck out. After a moment she turns and walks out my door and as soon as she's gone I throw up and once I'm done I resume drinking trying as hard as I can to numb the pain.

Grey:

Well I don't love you. Those are the only words that run through my mind as I race out of his apartment. I'm gonna be sick. I thought I had finally reached him when he walked towards me. I thought he was going to kiss me and that we were going to be together. I thought wrong.

I was so wrong about him. I thought he was hiding something and that's why he ran. I thought he had a dark truth like me that he was afraid of me finding out. If that was the case I wanted him to know that he could trust me, that I wouldn't judge him no matter what because I love him but that's not the case. He just doesn't love me. He just doesn't want me. He's done with me.

I felt crushed. I felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach with a knife or like someone knocked the wind out of me and I can't breathe. I was going to be strong and fight but how could I do that when he didn't want me to? What was I supposed to do now? Give up? That seemed like the easy option but the easy option is usually the wrong one.