ELAYNE

Colour me Blue

It's been a month since I've seen August. He even told me that he wanted to spend more time with me but didn't.
I could feel something in me longing for him.
It was an odd feeling. I wasn't a person who cried infront of others. All these times, it was all me and this room that heard my tears. A part of me felt safe opening up to him.
I tried going to the grocery shops and library, wishing that I would bump into him.
Why am I even looking for him? I don't even know if he even have any of these feelings.
I've been living in this part of the city for years but everything looks new to me.
I even met Lola a year ago.
I don't remember having friends other than my few classmates.
I don't experience nightmares anymore.
The guy sure had an impact on me. I don't think about Tyler nowadays. All his thoughts disappear as soon as I think about August.
It feels strange considering the fact that I've known Tyler for years while August is almost a nobody.
My depressive days were finally becoming better. In the different stages of grief, I am now at the acceptance stage. I can finally accept the fact that Tyler is no more.
The thing I find more strange is how my mind is replaying the same events over and over again like there's only a limited amount of memories to remember.
I can't remember the details of what we were or what he used to be like. Maybe all of these are a part of my healing journey... to forget and move on.

Lola and I decided to go to the theatre today. It's been so long since I've watched a movie eventhough I am a movie freak. Moving out with Lola really did make a difference to that side of mine. It was all Lola who chose what to watch and where to watch while I was the one who used to take her to movies as surprises in the first place. She also never let me watch any movies by myself these days nor would she allow me to go to theatres alone.

Lola has a heart of gold but It sometimes really bothers me when she forbids these small interests that I love. As anyone can see, she is really like an older sister rather than a bestfriend.
She has been recently dating a lot of men too. Half of them are blind dates of which she ain't a fan of. The pretty Lola only would marry a handsome partner as far as I know. When she asked me if I wanted her to set up a blind date for me, I was a bit uncomfortable.
Lola took my negative answer lightly as she has been watching me going insane over Tyler all these time. She knew that I wasn't ready for anything just yet. But, my mind was already looking for someone. I am guilty of these thoughts of mine.
I don't want to replace Tyler and I still love him just as much as I did before but August was growing in my mind.
He is one of the most beautiful human beings my eyes have seen. His set of eyes reminds me of the golden sunsets. The sight of the few strands of hair that falls onto the sides of his eyes were enough to make my heart race.
His jaw, the way that chain wraps around his neck, the tattoo on the back of his ears which were too small for my eyes to decipher... everything about him was growing in my mind.
This might not be love but I won't let another chance of mine go to waste again.

....

I took out a grey tshirt and black jeans from my closet. Lola was wearing a lime green skirt and a black shirt on top. We went straight to the movies and had to spend almost two hours there.
Lola's choice was bad. The movie was making me bored. I even suggested her a different one before going in but she insisted me to watch this piece of waste.
I've always wondered how people are watching all these good for nothing movies and shows just to pass time. I hate wasting time on boring things even if I have nothing much to do. Boredom should be treated with something that is interesting.