Jiang Cheng deserves a break

Chap 10: I Hope You Find What You're Looking For

A/n:

Trigger warnings may include:

Homophobic language,
A character using the word 'cutsleeve' as an insult,
Character's intense self-loathing,
Swearing,
And a character's sexuality crisis

You have been warned
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Jiang Cheng's Pov:

"What else is troubling you, Leader Jiang?" Shu Jinghua presses.

It shouldn't surprise him all that much now, by how well Shu Jinghua could read him. Perhaps she had been dealing with his 'tomfoolery' for too long and had become accustomed to it.

Then again, it should be expected of someone that holds the position of Clan advisor. They should be able to figure out and break down their Clan leader's psyche.

Jiang Cheng bites his lower lip, he regretted not having a jar of wine on hand before coming here, "I wanted to tell you......nevermind." He ends up shaking his head and dismisses himself, wanting to return to his quarters to sleep.

Shu Jinghua stops him. "Leader Jiang, are you going back on your promise already?" Her tone appeared to be accusatory, but to Jiang Cheng the tone resembled more closely to a stern mother.

Jiang Cheng swears quietly, "Of course not! I only wanted to--" he bites the inside of his cheek, is it truly alright to say it? "...I want to tell you that I like women,"

He trails off, yet again second-guessing his decision, but he eventually revealed tentatively, "...but I have an attraction towards men, too..."

There, he's admitted it. He's admitted the dark secret that has plagued him for so long. It feels surreal, hearing himself finally saying it after burying the truth within him for so long.

Jiang Cheng subconsciously braces himself for the worst, despite knowing that she wouldn't have any horrid reactions to the news.

When Jiang Cheng chances a glance at her, Shu Jinghua's smile was nothing less of kind. Her smile was one of understanding and sympathy, and Jiang Cheng is instantly reminded that the older woman had gone through what he's experiencing right now before.

"I am very honoured that leader Jiang could entrust me with something so special." She says, "Thank you for telling me."

Jiang Cheng responded with a weak smile.

Shu Jinghua didn't react to him with disgust or disdain, that was what he wanted--wasn't it? To be accepted and to be told that this was all okay? Then why does he feel dissatisfied with this response?

Madam Shu truly was the best advisor a clan leader could have, as she instantly picked up on his inner turmoil and asked him, "May I ask if there is a reason why you look so upset after telling me this?"

Jiang Cheng explained with a sigh, "I am unsure of  what I should be feeling right now. I am beyond grateful of your support and acceptance, but...I can't help but feel that there is still something wrong with me."

It was an ideal drilled into him and his sister when they were young:

Honour your parents.

Ensure the continuity of the Jiang bloodline.

Make your family and elders proud.

It was emphasised to him from the moment he could speak that he had to continue the Jiang legacy. That meant he he had to continue ruling as clan leader and he needed an heir so his legacy could continue.