the dead poets

afraid- charlie dalton (request)

this was requested by @xgooddaysx - hope you like it darling!

TW! self-harm, mentions of suicide and depression. if any of you are struggling with these feelings or thoughts, my messages are always open, and you'll always have someone by your side<3

(this is going to be written from a first person pov because its easiest for me)

it was easy to feel like i was faking it all. my grades are fine, with meeks' help, welton may not be the greatest, but we have keating, i have a great group of friends, and an incredible boyfriend. so why do i always feel heavy? i woke up to another gray day, to the noise of rowdy boys already causing mischief before breakfast has even been served. i didn't bother with makeup again, or doing much with my hair. the dining hall was already quite full, the poets already gathered, a plate already made up for me by charlie. 

"well, good morning, gorgeous!" charlie immediately greeted me and playfully kissed my hand, a cheeky smile playing on his lips. the rest of the boys either groaned at charlies affection or mumbled a good morning themselves before returning to breakfast. i gave a smile and began to pick at my food, thoughts of the massive amounts of homework already weighing in on my mind, and a tremor began to build in my hands. charlie seemed to notice this and took hold on my free hand, lightly pushing his thumb back and forth over my palm and leaning over to whisper in my ear.

"y/n, you alright?" his eyebrows furrowed as he searched my face.

"yeah, i'm good, just cold is all." i lied and gave another weak smile. he didn't seem to buy it, but left it at that anyways. first period passed, with only a few remarks about my lack of ability in calculus by dr. hager, which somehow made me even more anxious. it seemed that every second that went by made me feel even worse. 

finally, it was time for keatings class; a highlight of every day, no matter how bleak. 

"captain! captain! captain! please let the lesson be fun today, we're all dying for some relief here!" charlie was already the loudest in the room, turning to me for approval for his remark. he seemed disappointed when i didn't laugh, and seemed to make it his mission to make me laugh. i smiled at his stupid faces, and jokes he stole from a book i lent him, but my mind was too far into my worries to focus on my ridiculous boyfriend at the moment. even keating seemed to notice that my usual fire had been extinguished and made a few pokes himself to earn a reaction, but i kept my head down and continued to work. 

"well, i've had enough of this moping. dalton, take your girlfriend and figure this out please. and miss y/l/n, feel free to talk to me after lessons if you need." mr keating gave a wink and a wave as if to shoo us.

"you mean it, captain?" charlie couldn't believe his luck, getting excused from class. i, however, was frustrated i couldn't just be left to my work. he grabbed me by the arm and rushed me out of the room.

"charlie, my stuff, my stuff-" i tried to complain but he just stopped and laughed at me.

"the boys will get it for you, don't worry." he pulled me in for a kiss, smiling the whole way.

"charlie please-"

"it's nuwanda, baby!"

"please just leave me alone for a minute, nuwanda!"  i snapped, louder- and snarkier- than i meant. i wanted to apologize, to tell him that i didn't mean it, but my words were trapped, so instead i ran to the nearest bathroom. i took off my blazer and rolled up the sleeves on my dress shirt, eyeing the angry red scars lining my forearms. tears i didn't feel at first now fell faster, blurring my eyes. 

"y/n? y/n what is that?" i turned quickly, trying to hide my arms. 

"god, you never quit, do you?" i seethed through hot tears, still holding my arms close to my body. i had never seen charlie so sad, so confused, so afraid. he came towards, but for every step he took towards me, i took two back, but that didn't stop him. he gently took my wrists and pulled them out to examine.

"do they hurt?" 

"not anymore." he nodded to this, holding back tears of his own. he opened his mouth to speak, supposedly to make a joke, but the words got stuck and only a scoff came out. he pulled me into a tight hug, planting a kiss on my forehead and swaying us back and forth.

"y/n, can i get all serious and sappy for a moment?" he talked right into my ear, still holding me.

"always, nuwanda." i laughed into his chest before he pulled back to look at me, putting one hand over my cheek and searching my eyes. 

"i know that you think you don't deserve to be sad, or worried, but it's totally fine to feel like that, y'know. i just don't want you to do this"  he moved his eyes to my wrists again, swallowing down more tears before continuing. "you're not alone, y/n. you have the boys, keating, me. so, so whatever it is you need, we're gonna help, okay? i'm gonna help." he kissed my nose gently as i let out a sob. he pulled me into a hug again.

"we'll figure this out together, because i'm afraid too, y/n. but we have each other, right? so let's do this together. we'll do this together, doll." i nodded and nuzzled even further into the hug, letting charlie sway and hold me for god knows how long until it seemed every worry seeped out of me and into the floor. 

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