one day i began to think

nothing happens

what happens when.. i know how i feel now? what happens when i did my waiting? when i've finally gathered my thoughts?

what happens when i finally realized what i want? what happens when i realized that i miss something.. i miss it a lot? when i can't control it anymore? when it's hard to push down?

what happens when i can't get it out of my head, when i have memories each night and find myself smiling at the thought, when i crave the intimacy, when i wish i could escape to the dreams i have almost every night now, when i can't think clearly when i hear the name, when i want home again, when i want to be able to fall asleep on a call to wake up happy again, when  every song reminds me of it, when i want to cross off a whole bucket list of adventures, when i want to take goofy pictures, when i could feel safe right beside them, when i miss having a second family, when..

..

when i'm too late.

i built myself up enough to be cold, and try my best to not care. i tried to avoid it, i tried to moved on from how i felt, even while interacting with the problem, i was able to hold myself from any stupid and emotionally led actions. i couldn't afford to completely forget everything i've told myself for months just to be okay again.

but now.. now i see anything, and i'm instantly reminded of what i keep pushing away. like the devil is trying to shove it in my face of what i've lost. thanks satan, how sweet of you. or could it be God, showing me a path. or maybe it's just me.. trying to put the blame on something, someone else besides myself so i don't have to admit that i'm just trying to find a way to think about.. you.

but now it's too late.. though i'm not entirely sure i had a chance to begin with. i had a few weeks to possibly regain something i didn't think i wanted. i acted like it could be a possibility.. when i knew on the inside that my answers probably would've been no.. or at least not yet. and even if i had my own answer somewhat prepared.. i dont think there was much an offer anyway.. not one i fully trusted. not one you did either i'm sure..

that door is closed now. the key thrown away with a lock so tight, air can't fit. it's over. it is.

what happens now.. is that i live in regret, wondering how it could've possibly been different. if i would've done something first instead of being so distant to the idea.

this will be a sad process.. a lesson on continuing to learn.  but i'll be fine, i'll manage like i always have while no one else notices anything changed in me.

oh well.. i'll just wait for something good to happen in the future and try to forget this world of regret.

_____

oh how i've been a mess.

and when i say mess, i mean drunk uncle at your wedding, kids crying in walmart, dog throwing up in your car kind of mess.

i want to sleep, get this nervous weekend over with, and be able to MOVE ON from this stress i've been living in!!

_belle</3