one day i began to think

worst nightmare

I thought that if I could sleep that it would be a lot easier for me to be at peace.. so I tried.. and it just so happened that it would only hurt me.. break me down and kick me more while i'm already on my knees.. 

the nightmare.. incase you were wondering.. had the one person who just keeps on haunting me.. the person I left a few years ago after being in a horrible relationship that left me as a broken girl with a broken heart and a lot of healing and a lot of issues. I've grown a lot since I left him, I found happiness and learned what it was like to have something better than that hell I lived through.. 

I've had nightmares of him before, ones where I sweat.. ones where I wake up in a panic- feeling like I need to run or hide.. waking up crying because of how real it felt.. or the memories it brought just by envisioning his face in my mind. But each time I woke up.. I was comforted.. I was reminded that I was protected and that I couldn't be hurt.. how better off I am now..

This time wasn't the case.. and to add to that.. it was the worst nightmare I've had after these few years of progress.. this one blew everything out of the water.. it just left me in the same broken place I was before.. on my knees.. begging for it to stop.. asking for mercy and hoping it can make it through it.. feels like everything I've worked up to was just taken from me.. so quickly.. and I don't know how to recover from it.

the nightmare began in a town I didn't recognize, with faces I was unfamiliar with as well.. it seemed to be a party, a gathering of some sorts. And for the most part, I was having a good time. I was fine.. and then he appeared, out of no where. He always does.. in every nightmare he just randomly decides to throw himself back towards me.. and every single time I refuse, I run, I yell and i scream and I cry and I try to fight him off.. but usually he gets to me.

this time in the nightmare.. I didn't.. I didn't do anything.. I watched as he walked towards me, trying to act as if we're friends again, picking up right where we left off when I thought he was going to be something special. I didn't budge.. I didn't speak. I just looked at him, and listened to what he had to say. He then ushered me to a car, and I let him.. He had his hands on my back and arm as he pulled in to the passenger side.. usually I'd never want to be touched by him ever again.. and this time I didn't even move a muscle.. I just moved where he placed me. soon he drove me to a place I didn't know, a building that was green with gold trim.. I thought it could be a theater.. somewhere nice with such pretty details, but not a place I'd recognized.. not a place where anyone I knew was near.. could see me with him.. could hear my voice.. and still.. he took my hand and led me inside.. and I didn't do anything. Once we got inside it was a big beautiful mansion, with expensive decorations surrounding the modern floors and walls. He led me to the bedroom.. he sat me on the bed and tried whispering to me.. about how it was alright.. I was okay.. he was going to make it all better..

 I knew he was lying.. he only hurts.. ever helps or heals or comforts and I couldn't believe the audacity he had to act like he could ever do something good for me.. but for some reason I didn't call him out on it.. I didn't tell him to go away.. I didn't yell at him for his attempt of manipulation on me again. I just looked at him.. and nodded.. and at this point in this nightmare.. I realized I had just given up. it was too late for me to stand ground, to fight, to run.. and I accepted that. 

He knelt by by side while holding my hands and asked me if I were ready.. "what for?" I asked. he  motioned towards the bed and I followed his gesture, and when my eyes met his again he had a smile on his face.. it wasn't comforting, it didn't intrigue me at all.. it scared me.

"I have nothing left to lose.." I said defeated. I felt tears swell in my eyes before they fell down my cheeks. 

He laid me back onto the bed as I silently cried.. I felt paralyzed- physically and emotionally I felt like I was too weak to do anything now.. and I just let it happen.. 

this is when I woke up.. and grateful it was at that moment.. I couldn't imagine reliving anything else that followed. 

how was this the worst nightmare I've had? Because I let myself fall into that all over again.. I let myself be a doll that he controlled with my mind inclosed with thoughts I wouldn't dare let slip out. I gave up because I felt like I had nothing to fight for.. no reason to try to run.. nothing to run back to.. I just accepted in.. and died in the process.. this is my version of falling off the deep end.. this is how I would go out.. because if I ever allowed myself to turn back into what I was before.. his toy.. his puppet.. I might as well be dead.. because I don't ever want to go through it again.. 

and that's what was so frightening to me.. why it was the worst.. why I can't calm down from it.. because in the real world.. I would never allow it.. I would never let myself be so down to go silent and numb again.. but in this dream would I did.. and what is that supposed to mean.. what am I supposed to do about it..