Behind My Eyes.

up all night.

all i want is for the nightmares to stop.

every single time i close my eyes—without fail i have some horror awaiting me.

it's insane the amount of convincing i have to do before my body even considers shutting down.

it's been almost a year and a half since jacksonville and my body still is trying to protect me.

well by protecting me i mean that i'll have to stay up for hours on end to avoid someone touching me while i sleep.

i know that i'm safe in my room and the locked deadbolt is sure proof of that.

no matter how many times i turn the lock into place and push against it to ensure my safety,

it simply won't click in my mind that i'm safe when i close my eyes.

when i finally drift off to sleep it's never peaceful.

i wake up on average every three hours.

i wake up constantly during the night and i have nightmares daily.

for a while the nightmares were about the man in jacksonville,

then they were about him,

then they were about whatever my mind decides to scare me with that night.

i never take the peaceful nights for granted that i'm blessed with every once in a blue moon.

they never come when i need them though.

i have to wake up early for work and then the rest of the day i'm on the verge of sleeping.

now that i'm in bed however i can't seem to tip over the edge into a blissful slumber.

i'm so exhausted and there's nothing i can do to get myself to sleep.

i've tried everything and nothing seems to relieve me.

maybe i should give up and stay awake until i crash?

that's always worked in the past...

except for that time last week when i was up nearly twenty-four hours because the thought of sleeping terrified me to the point where i was running on adrenaline.

i can't stop yawning but i know for a fact that once my head hits the pillow again it'll be game over and i'll be begging mr. sandman to bring me a dream.

i don't care at this point whether i have a nightmare or not. 

i'll welcome a nightmare.

please i'm so tired.

i just want to sleep.

i want to drift into unconsciousness for a while.

i can't stand being awake.

and i can't stand being asleep.

maybe there's simply no winning for me.