The Adventures of Martha Ridley Wayne

Chapter Eleven: Introspection and Sixteenth Birthdays

           Jason and I talked all night despite my being completely exhausted. I refused to yawn and show how fatigued I really was because he would make me go to sleep then. If I was being honest, I was scared that if I did go to sleep that I'd wake up and Jason would be gone. It all felt like a dream, Jason being back was something I dreamed about often enough. Those dreams were worse than the nightmares, because I would wake up and he would still be dead and I would still be miserable.

            I didn't want to bring Jason into my problems, telling him everything wasn't the plan. My problems were probably trivial to him considering he actually died and all. At the same time, I thought that if I told him just how much his death messed me up that he would believe that I loved him. He never believed it, I know he didn't, and him not believing that I loved him was one of my greatest regrets.

            My father was going to go ballistic when he found out that I had had spent an extended period of time with Jason. His wrath never really scared me, because I never really cared. If he took something away from me, it didn't matter. However, if he took Jason away from me again I would go completely off the rails, even more so than I already was. Jason needed his family more than anything right now, he didn't need constant beatings from Batman.

            All night I was planning what I was going to say to him when I got home. I was going to make him see reason no matter what it took to do so. Jason hadn't been anything but a grown-up version of his usual self. He didn't try to tell me that murder was the answer or pride me on my own attempt at murder, he was just sad. Jason was so upset that he missed everything important in my life.

            He missed my middle school graduation, my first day of high school, threatening my first boyfriend, and my sixteenth birthday. I reminded him that I was a hot mess during all of these events, but he blamed himself for everything that had happened to me. No matter how many times I tried to convince him otherwise, Jason blamed himself. In that moment I knew how Dick felt when he was trying to convince dad that Jason's death wasn't his fault.

            For some reason, missing my sixteenth birthday was a big deal to Jason. When I asked him why that was, he told me that he had been planning to make my sixteenth birthday amazing since I took him to Disney World when he turned thirteen. Jason told me to look for a binder under the loose floorboard in his room and that I'd see what he meant.

            All the talk about my sweet sixteen made me think of that day and the events that I didn't want to remember at all. I know this isn't a big surprise, but my sixteenth birthday wasn't fun like it was supposed to be. Dad, Alfred, and Dick all tried their best to make it good. I was shocked that dad even made the effort given that he sort of hated my guts at that point. It feels so long ago, but it was only a few months back.

            Everyone showed up for the party. Barbara, Donna, Roy, Wally, and the rest of Dick's Titan buddies. The Justice League was there as well. I got extremely intoxicated in my room prior to the event's start and when Dick called to me from downstairs, I stumbled my way into my own party. They all knew what was going on, and I didn't try to hide it. Selina gave me a look so full of pity and sadness that I would never forget. You know things are bad when Catwoman pities you.

            Drake was there, because he lived with us at that point. The partygoers did their best to pretend that nothing was going on, but that ended quickly enough when I decided to pick a fight with Jason's replacement. He didn't really want to fight back, he never wanted to fight back when I would start fights. There was a voice in the back of my mind telling me that Tim wasn't such a bad guy, but it was drowned out by grief and anger.

            I was never angry at the poor kid, but I resented him. My anger was all for my father though, since he was the one who replaced Jason. I understood that there would have to be a new Robin eventually, but I never expected him to show up mere months after his death. I was angry all the time and when I started to feel bad about my behavior I would go get smashed. Getting smashed led to Wally or Roy's apartments and the cycle never ended.

            The fight with Tim ended in him having a broken wrist and me having a broken nose. Dad was not happy that we fought, but the fact that we fought in front of our friends, his friends, and his colleagues. After we got the lecture of the century, Dick went after Tim to comfort him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. That hurt more than the broken nose did.

            Dick and Tim became close over the years. I knew that, but that was the first time that I felt like Tim was more than just Jason's replacement. He was my replacement as well. In the months since my birthday, I had been even more of a bitch than usual. Dick seemed to have no idea as to why I was so upset. There was no way I was going to tell him that I was jealous of Tim Drake of all people, so I kept my mouth shut.

            It had been weeks since I had so much as said one word to anyone in Wayne Manor. The hardest thing was ignoring Alfred, but it was better that way. They all loved Tim because he was Robin and because he hadn't been grief-stricken for over five years. They loved him because he didn't wake up screaming and crying every night, they loved him because he didn't get drunk to deal with his problems.

            A problem was all I was to everyone around me, a problem that couldn't be solved. Before I found out that Jason was back, I was seriously considering suicide as an option. Now that he was back, I was considering it less, but the urge was still there. The night of my sixteenth birthday was when I broke my promise to Dick and cut my arms to shreds. He loved Tim more than me, my promise probably meant nothing to him.

            When the sun started to come up, I bid goodbye to Jason and set off for home. I made Jason swear to me that he wouldn't leave Gotham without telling me, but I was still uneasy about leaving him alone. I took Dick's motorcycle to Jason's place and it was somehow still parked where I left it. I was sure that it would be gone considering this was crime alley. On the ride home, all I could think about was Jason and killing myself.

            The memory of my birthday brought everything back to the surface and I just felt so hopeless and alone. I didn't want to do that to Jay, but he was probably better off without me distracting him anyway. He was an adult, he didn't need his kid sister following him around like a lost puppy anymore. The only reason he even let me in was probably because he felt sorry for me.

            That was all anyone felt about me after Jason's death. They all felt sorry for me, they all pitied me and the ways in which I tried to cope. Dinah tried to stage an intervention for me back when I was fourteen and it went about as well as you'd think it would have. They all tried, but all I could see was their pity. I didn't want or need it, so I shut everyone except Roy and Wally out. They didn't look at me like the poor girl whose brother died too young, they looked at like one would look at their friends.