The Wrong Woman

48. Mouna

I wanted to die.

If only I could hear grandma's voice of encouragement or get some kisses from her. How long it had been since I had seen her face or her complaints. Here I stood in the staff bathroom after taking some Advil again, five minutes until the meeting, staring at myself in the mirror. Oh, what I would have done for some of my grandma's ginger chai to ease the twisting in my lower abdomen.

Dizzy.

Nauseous.

Very, very scared.

So many emotions piled on top of me that I didn't know which one to associate myself with in that moment. I swallowed over and over and over but it did nothing to fix the bile that wanted to crawl up. I crouched down, my hands resting on the sinks, wanting to somehow settle the pain in my stomach and the nerves all bunching up into one.

Please, God, help me through this. Would I survive through this meeting? I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Pushing myself to a standing position, I settled on fixing my white cuffs for the tenth time with my shaking fingers, instead, the bracelet getting caught.

It did not help.

The doors to the bathroom flung open, startling me so much that I nearly rolled my ankles in the pointy heels. Preethi stood there, holding a file against her chest. "Tara ma'am is waiting for you."

"Now? I have a few more minutes."

"I suggest you go now, at least to start the meeting off with a good first impression. You don't want to be tardy."

I obeyed, following her out the doors. The closer we got to the main room and the black doors where we usually sat for meetings, the more I wanted to hunch my shoulders and run the opposite way.

Give up, a voice said. You are not made for this. You are meant to be at home, cooking and looking after your grandma, cooped up in your comfortable apartment. Comfort is what you need.

This made me stop.

"Rani?"

Comfort is what I'd always wanted. Or at least, that's what I thought I wanted. But I had learnt so much from being Rani. Most especially from Dhruv. He had gone from a house husband to doing a part-time job, the entire time being himself and accepting the changes that came along.

What was I doing? Thinking about giving up because I conditioned myself that I was only good enough to do the same things I knew. That Rani was better than me because she was successful. I could be that if I tried, too. If I hadn't been Rani, would I have ever gotten this opportunity? The person doing this meeting wasn't Rani. It was me. And even if I failed or did a bad job, I would be doing it.

Me. Mouna.

I straightened my shoulders and gathered the courage to look Preethi solely in the eyes. "I'm going to do this."

She pumped her fist at me. "You've got this."

***

The meeting was not as great as I thought it was.

I did do what I needed to, which was read the notes that Rani had prepared about the questions that Tara would ask about herself. The confidence I had never disappeared because I was enjoying myself.

The questions were very straightforward and it only involved her, which eased my worries. Initially I had imagined men and women in suits staring at me but that was not at all the reality. In fact, she asked about future plans, projects I was working on and interview-y questions which Rani had all very detailed notes on. Many of which had reminders of questions to ask her so I did just that. Tara's face, however, did not look impressed so I didn't know.