To My Youth [BL]

[19] His Memory (1/6)

GU XIAO。

Back in Shanghai, we were a group of four. He Rong, Wu Fei, Zhang Yongyin and I all knew each other since kindergarten, and our parents were also close friends.

We went to the same cram school too, though He Rong was in a different class to us since he enrolled late.

Zhang Yongyin was always crying, whether it was from happiness or sadness. But he could never get past a day without crying over something, even if it was just dropping one piece of chip. Yet, the only time he wouldn't cry was if it was related to taekwondo. 

He Rong was immature, always teasing and mocking others, but he wasn't a bad person to talk to.

He had his moments of displaying kindness and care, though it was just rare. I could tell he struggled to express his emotions and always used other alternatives.

That was why I never minded it. Because he, too, was trying his best.

Wu Fei was always smiling. He was always so studious and kind-hearted, though he was also quiet.

Wu Fei and I were already close, but we grew even closer when we competed in the same competitions.

At least, I thought we had gotten closer.

But He Rong didn't like that, and I could tell. I didn't know when it started. Maybe it was around junior high school, but He Rong started behaving strangely.

His attitude was more pompous. It was worse earlier on, but then, his attitude grew even more strange in our first senior year.

He Rong was talking about this person he had met in cram school in a rather ridiculing manner. Like always.

I wasn't listening much back then because everything sounded like complete nonsense to me.

Everything has become quite foggy, but I remember that day. I never called him out for his behaviour because you could have said I had gotten used to it.

So, I simply dismissed his words and focused on myself. Focus on myself? No... I don't think I focused on myself at that time. I never did.

This detachment from reality and my own vapidity made me feel like I wasn't even living. I was breathing. I was eating. I was moving. But I felt like I was decomposing.

Perhaps that is why every time I think about that time, it is all vague. But I couldn't tell anyone because I didn't even know why I was like that. Maybe I did. I don't know.

Wu Fei walked into the classroom and sat in front of us. I sat beside Zhang Yongyin while He Rong and Wu Fei sat together.

He Rong had been speaking to this person for around a month or two, and he would always show off the items that person would buy for him, flashing them around.

Perhaps it was for attention, like always. But it was none of my business. Others started crowding around with shocked faces, looking at all the new clothing, accessories, everything that the person bought for him.

I never paid much attention to it, maybe because I was too stressed about something. School? Family? I don't know.

"He Rong, don't you think you should stop?" Wu Fei asked.

He was the only one at the time that called him out.

"You shouldn't use others' kindness."

I lifted my eyes off from my books and watched the two talk. He Rong always had this displeasure spread in his eyes—contempt and disgust—every time Wu Fei spoke to him.

I could tell he never liked him, though I never knew why. As always, I never paid much attention to it, but it slightly disturbed me.

It might have started a few years ago when He Rong displayed such obvious distaste for Wu Fei that their relationship was gradually severing.

"Are you trying to lecture me? It's my life. I can do what I want to do. Why don't you lecture me when you actually get first place this time?" He Rong laughed.

Wu Fei didn't say anything more to him. I remember tapping on Wu Fei's shoulder, and I said something to him. Carrying materials? But we went off, and He Rong looked even more disgusted. I could sense his burning gaze engraving onto my back.

I spent quite a lot of time with Wu Fei since we attended the same after-school club activity, and we both played badminton together occasionally.

Of course, I also played games with Zhang Yongyin, and we always ate together. Yet, I spent most of my time with He Rong.

Out of everyone, I saw He Rong the most. I'm not sure how often I spoke to him. Even though we were together most of the time, I gradually found myself unable to talk to him. And soon, it was difficult to even breathe around him.

I don't know. Honestly, I found it tiring to speak to him. I only spoke to him for the sake of maintaining our relationship.

The relationship that I never thought we would ever have.

The relationship between He Rong and I was simply more than friends.

We were something more than what others would expect, though it didn't change how I would treat him. The only person who knew of our relationship was Zhang Yongyin.

During primary school, I already noticed something strange about He Rong when he looked at me. It was like he... he was yearning for something from me.

I pretended to be oblivious because I was only thirteen then, but I could tell his gaze towards me was rather peculiar.

As always, I ignored it. As months and years passed, his attitude continued growing worse and worse. He was like a weed that couldn't be removed.

And it was when we entered the middle of our junior years that I realised He Rong...