Toxic.

2. Karma.

Hey beautiful loves, this is something that I've been needing, forget want, to work on for my sanity. If y'all enjoy it, great. If it helps anyone, amazing, but this is my form of healing, and I hope y'all enjoy.

Also, I'm gonna use a few names for Ellis, Ellis, EJ, so no need for any confusion, I'm talking about the same ain't shit nigga.
- Keiana

2. Karma.

Karma, defined as (in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences; destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.

When I sit down to reflect on the position of life that I'm in, I wonder if this is my karma. When I break down and cry to God asking why I can't catch a break, I think back to the days when I didn't care about my actions and the consequences, and I start to blame myself.

Relationships require equal effort, respect, and communication, on both parts, and I can admit, for so long, I wasn't willing to give that, so why would God give me what I wanted?

So, now, in the present, I'm trying to heal, and I feel like telling my story, and my thoughts on the situation will help aid me in that, because nothing else is.

I've been wanting to write about this for a minute, but I'm still currently going through this situation, so it's difficult, and extremely fresh.

As I sit here thinking of where to start, the beginning of course, I just can't believe it started so sweet, and it ended up here.

"I'm addicted to you, and you're addicted to me. We just gotta deal with it." Ellis smiled at me, grabbing my thigh with the hand he wasn't using to roll up.

Almost three years later and he wasn't lying, no matter what we did to each other, how much we hurt each other, we always ended up right back with each other in the end, looking like two crazy fools, especially me.

I was always the fucking fool.

April 26, 2016

As I drove to Fall thoughts and butterflies filled my head and stomach.

Why the hell did he stay so far? That's why we never got past texting, this nigga lived in the middle of nowhere.

What was I driving this far for anyways? Did I really wanna deal with him like that? I mean dick was cool, but up to that point all my relationships and feelings had been for girls, I just liked the feeling of penetration.

I knew I had been attracted to him and his aesthetic for a minute though, and that's what had my foot on the gas driving towards the location he'd sent me.

When I pulled onto the long street, it was definitely the suburbs, with bigger homes than my neighborhood, and I thought my home was nice.

I pulled out my phone to text him and let him know I was outside, I should've done it before, you know how people love to take their time, especially the colored ones.

I'm outside

Keep coming down I see u - ellisdrama

I squinted my eyes as I creeped down the street, I didn't see anyone, so where was he seeing me at? I kept driving and driving until I saw a lightskin guy leaning against a gate, and when I did notice him, I almost ran him over when he walked to the passenger side.

"Damn girl tryna run me over and shit." He laughed as he plopped down into my car.

I couldn't fight the smile that crept across my lips as we made eye contact. Wow, I was actually here and so was he, and not on my Instagram feed.