Toxic.

1. Myself.

I usually know how to start my stories, because they're fiction, and things I imagined in my head. This story is different though, actual accounts from my actual life.

I never imagined, expected, or planned for anything of this to happen.

Names with be changed lol, just to keep discretion, I'm using Key Glock (if you don't know who daddy is look him up) as my ex because I love the way he looks, I wanted to use Quavo but I didn't, but everything in this really happened to me, and I'm writing this in hope to heal and let all that pain go, and I figured writing could do that maybe?
So, enjoy.

Alsooooo, I just realized I posted a little prologue for this a while back, so this is really chapter one.
- Keiana

1. Myself

Noel Alphonse (media)

My sexuality has been something I've always known about, and never been ashamed of. I never spoke to my family about my sexuality and my thoughts, not because I was ashamed, but because there was really nothing to say.

I had known I liked girls since the second grade, no doubt about it. I'm pretty sure my family knew too, I used to put hella viruses on the computer with porn, but we never spoke about it.

I never had the birds and the bees talk, I guess cause it wasn't necessary, but one thing I knew was not to speak about the fact that I liked girls. My dad was a huge homophobe, and my grandparents were Trinidadian and old fashioned.

But when I moved away from my dad and grandparents in Toronto, and in with my mom across the world to Texas, I felt like I could finally be myself.

I knew myself, and I was completely fine with myself.

It had taken me years to get here though, time, dedication, a changed mindset, and a lotta self love.

I didn't love myself at thirteen, my freshmen and sophomore year of high school. I didn't know or accept myself either. At that time I had tried to pretend that I liked boys, that I was happy, and that I wasn't self mutilating.

I went through counseling, psychiatry, pills, hospital visits, until I found weed, God, and myself. If I didn't love myself, how could I expect someone to love me, or me to love someone else?

I stopped cutting, came out to my mom, had a few girlfriends and started loving myself more, which completely flipped my life upside down. I became more positive, more happy, and my love of life just increased and increased, and I finally knew myself.

Or so I thought.

Until I met Ellis.

It was so weird, and odd how it happened, so weird I knew everything that happened was God, and only God.

I had first noticed him in like 2013, 2014, on Instagram. I knew I liked girls, but I still thought some guys were cute, and I thought EJ, or Ellis, as I had known him back then, was extremely cute.

I was into skateboarding clothes back then, in my tomboy phase of finding myself, and I wore Steven Janoski's everyday, with some type of Stussy, Huf, BBC, shirt to top it off. I loved the way the style looked, and Ellis did too, making me obsess and peep his Instagram every damn day.

Also, music, one of the most important things to me. He liked the same rappers I did, underground ones I felt like no one even listened to at that time, like Robb Bank$, Chris Travis.

I liked the look and aesthetics of this nigga a lot, but it never got further than social media. We'd like each other's picture every now and then, he'd DM me like once every few months to let me know he had drank or loud on deck, never amounted to anything.