SHun

Obsession and Compulsion

​The simplest thoughts can plague my mind something so insignificant will manifest into a complete preoccupation; which in turn will not cease until I achieve the desired result. That could be as simple as remembering the name of whatever was on my mind. A song, a movie, and actor, the answer to a trivia question. Even in my ratings and schoolwork this poses its difficulties. Every word has to correspond with its respective sentence exquisitely. No word can be used out of context or repeated too many times where it takes away from its meaning. Each sentence is like an intricate puzzle where only one solution exist. Ha, he wouldn't think so from reading this crap would you? Anyway, I constantly strive for perfection, but on a Life is difficult. In this page alone I have stopped four times to regroup. Good day only consider myself average. Period. At best. Sidetracked. Rewind. Obsession. Writing. Writing is difficult. Life is difficult. In this page alone I have stopped four times to regroup. I have referred to my dictionary five times. I only wrote one sentence, however, I haven't proofread the page yet. One time I erased the word and replaced it, trying three different words to convey the appropriate message, only to return to that sentence in the insert the original word in which I had erased. And after spending some 20 minutes writing just one meaningless page, I hate what it says. Obsession. I just reread the definition for the fifth time since I started this chapter. The definition hasn't changed. The thoughts remain the same. There is no question I over analyze. But when the most minuscule things become so trivial, just imagine how something more serious affects me. And on a side note, as I'm looking at the column of the original and I'm trying to use my iPhone for dictation I have no idea what any of these notes on the side here are. What the hell does this mean I can't even figure out my own thoughts? My own writing. And it's not that it illegible I can read every word it says I just have no friggin idea what order or purpose they have but should be in.

Relationships, money, success, drugs, alcohol, failure, sex, life, death, image, perfection, future, etc., etc., etc. These are the more serious things that I do well on a seemingly daily basis. In an endless basis. Granted the list has been updated and prioritized differently over the years, but ultimately, these are the most intense thoughts at the moment though. Huh, I wonder if that's what all this writing in the margins means. Other thoughts that I've been having as I'm writing this? Alphabetical order, insomnia, finishing chapters leaving, something unfinished, toilet paper/paper towel rolls, video games (winning), diet/using, order/symmetry, click pens, billfold ($), pumping gas to end on 0. Nail-biting. Seriously, is this what occupies my head most of the freakin time? No wonder I'm so freaking useless.

For me, a thought evolves into a temptation, which evolves into an obsession which nearly always becomes a compulsion. Which ultimately ends with action. I can't let things go. I can't let things be. Oh. See. D. Obsessive-compulsive disorder. Obsession being the thought. Compulsion being the action. This order being the justification that my condition and actions are not entirely my fault. But they are. I know that and I don't make excuses.

Back to obsession. No, moving onto compulsion. The action. Like I'm saying, the compulsion takes on different levels of significance. For instance, say I'm eating cookies. Everything is in increments of five. I like five. I don't know why. I just do. It's just a nice simple even number (yes, I know the #5 is not an even number when defined mathematically). Now five is not my favorite or lucky number, I just tend to do things in increments of five. Unless, 5 is not available or sufficient enough. Then I go by increments of 5 until the desired level of satisfaction is achieved.

There is also my necessity for organization. In my closet, in the kitchen, the bathroom, at school, at work, at your work, anywhere I can organize or rearrange something that looks out of place, I will. In my closet, my clothes are arranged not just by color, but also by style. Everything has a place, all facing left: Jeans light to dark, polo shirts light to dark, button-downs light to dark, sport jerseys light to dark (also subdivided by team and sport), followed by dress pants light to dark, and dress shirts light to dark, then suits light to dark, then jackets light to dark. Now, the orders of the main categories may change based on any number or determining factors. See, I'm flexible. I have my O.C.D. Under control. Shoes are also arranged by color starting with athletic shoes light to dark, dress shoes light to dark, and boots light to dark. I have a hat to match virtually anything I may want to wear. My boxers have to match my shirt. And I have exactly one hanger for every article of clothing that gets hung up. This way, if my laundry basket is completely empty, there will be no extra hangers hanging emptily. Lonely. On top of my dresser are my lotions, cologne, aftershave, powders, etc. Again, everything is organized by type and bottle shape and size. The labels all out, and this goes for anything on my desks, in my cupboards, refrigerator, medicine cabinet, anywhere. Always. I also fixate on symmetry. Everything has to be even, like fives. Weird, but not too life altering. These are just things that create daily annoyances.
The dangerous compulsive behaviors involve sex, alcohol, drugs, and death. Sex because I act without regard of consequences. Alcohol and drugs because once I start I cannot stop. And death because I obsession over it constantly. I have indirectly try to take my life over many years. I'm confident it's only a matter of time before I directly address the issue.

Obsessive compulsive disorder takes on various degrees of severity and idiosyncrasies. My quirks may not be that severe as a whole. However, they influence me enough to provide a daily source of irritation. More importantly, it is an underlying issue and possibly a symptom of the type of thought process or personality traits involved in my primary dysfunctions.