Get Talking

Family

Warnings and stuff that will be mentioned:

Abuse? (It's not that bad dw :]) Swearing, homophobia, tiny bit of bullying, mention of blackmail.

I wanna give ppl the opportunity to say something that they just wish they could say to their parents and family.

Please share with me, I'll do mine.

Hi mum, hi dad. I really don't know which one of you is worse? I love you but you're breaking me and you don't even realise. 

I guess I should say thanks to you, dad. Thanks for making me stronger. I barely cry anymore. And I think that's a good thing. You really slapped some sense into me😂 Tbh the yelling was worse. Those times that I accidentally slammed my door because my window was open and then my blood ran cold as I realised. I can recognise who is even coming up the stairs now. I can recognise anything from your footsteps to your breathing. The way you scream at me and I just want to cry but I can't? I can't cry anymore, it's pointless. I used to try and cry loudly so someone, anyone would come in and see if I was ok. You never did. Not you, mum, Nathan. No one. So what's the point in it anymore. If I'm honest I'm fucking scared of you. You fucking terrify me. Is that what a father daughter relationship should be like? Because I know that I will never hit my kids. And if you fucking go near them then I will scream at you like you scream at me. Thanks for making me scared. I close myself away and now I'm realising it's not my phone? It's not the internet. It's you. Because I can't speak to you anymore. Actually i never could. Do you remember that one slap that left a red handprint on me? Probably not. But I do. I try my best. I want you to be proud. I don't know how. I agree with you, I am a little shit. I am a bitch. I'm sorry. Thanks for reading my ethics assessment yesterday!! Thanks for pointing out a flaw in it before anything else! I tried my best. I won't get 100% and I know you don't care. And tonight when you told me to just say sorry and get over it after mum threatened to blackmail me to my friends because it was to get me to think. I have sat in my room shaking bc I could hear you yelling and I don't think that's normal?

I don't have a fucked up childhood. Yes, I played on my own but I mean who would want to play with dolls with me? I have the perfect life according to everyone else...

And mum, when dad shouts it scares me but when you shout is so much worse. But when I close off and don't speak then it's pointless trying to have that conversation with me. When I go silent then it's because I have an attitude which I need to get out of. When I don't speak and look down then I've got a face like a slapped fish that needs to be gone. But when I speak, rarely, back then it's rude. I said I used to cry and now I don't. Well those tears are now anger. When you both yell at me or say I've done something I can feel this anger bubbling inside of me but I cannot let it out. If I get angry then it will result in me getting hit. I think that's what happened when I was younger, I used to answer back but now I know the result of that. So I stay quiet. I cannot win either way. I know that now. But you apologise for what you say and it makes me feel awful writing this. I don't think you understand. I can't talk to anyone. I'm fucking trapped and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. When I told you that I was sat next to the girl who bullied me in form and that I was moving around the table so I wasn't next to her, you told me to just try sitting next to her. You told me it might not be that bad and that she might've gotten over herself. I tried to explain but you just didn't listen. I tried to say that the minute she saw that she was sat next to me she said oh "we rolling with it" are you comfortable sitting next to me because I'm homophobic and all. It was embarrassing. 

Hi Nan. I don't know what the worst thing about you is? Maybe it's that you're so depressed that you bring everyone else fucking down with you. Maybe it's because you're so sexist? Maybe it's because you try to but my love. Maybe it's because you used to yell at me when I was young because I was trying to play and went too near your flowers in your precious garden. But I'm not allowed to hate you. Mum talks shit about you to me but I'm not allowed to say I don't like you because you think the world of me. Mum also says that she will never be like you. I can see how she is though. And I want you to know that as soon as I turn 16 I'm getting a tattoo, just for you. Because I know you fucking hate tattoos.

And to both of you, mum and dad, thank you for making me scared to come out with your homophobic comments but also the comments that hint for me to come out. I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I mean, dad, I could never even talk to you before but mum, as I've grown up I guess I see you differently. How am I supposed to explain this account? How am I supposed to explain that all of my closest friends are online? You would hate me. 

 I don't care because you guys are keeping me going. Thank you. And that is a genuine one. Thank you all so so so much. You have helped me. I love you all <3

I'm trying. I'm trying so fucking hard. 

I know I won't get 9s I'm science like Nathan. 

And I know that getting 92% in English is easy in year 9 and that gcse will be so much harder. 

I know that playing football is so much harder than doing 3 different types of dance. 

I know that I will only just about pass maths. 

I know I shouldn't be in top set maths. 

I know that 2nd set science is shit. 

I know that taking combined science instead of triple means I won't be as good as him. 

I know Nathan is smarter than me. 

I know he is better than me. 

And you know, when he got ill he didn't have to work the dog, he didn't have to feed the animals, he didn't have to go to football training but now I am ill too. I do not have it as bad as he did. So I still feed both of the animals. I have been off school for two days now but I will go in from now on. I still run around the garden with sandy because no one can walk her at the moment and dad is working. I still help around the house. I cooked tea on Tuesday. I went to dance on Monday. 

I know that I won't have as high chances of getting into the sixth form I want as him because I don't have the grades right now. 

I know I'm shit at science. 

I know that getting good marks in ethics is easy. 

I know that being in top set pe is easy. 

I know that getting good grades in German is easy for my year. 

I know that everything will be harder when I hit gcse. 

I know I don't have many friends. 

I know people don't like me. 

I know I'm a bitch. 

I know I have a bad temper. 

I know my year is fucked up. 

I know I'm weird. 

I know that I'm judgy. 

I know that I'm really mean behind peoples back. 

I know I'm a fake friend. 

I know I don't have anything that bad. 

I know my childhood wasn't awful. 

I know I don't  my have any childhood trauma like others. 

I know I shouldn't spend so much time online. 

I'm sorry. 

I'm really sorry.

Thank you guys for keeping me here <3

Double uploadddddd🤭🫶