Bitter Demons

38. I Couldn't Cry Another Tear

I sat on the floor of Mrs. Shadowford's office for way longer than I intended.

I closed Jackson's file and wiped away my tears. Outside, I could hear the tapping of rain against the roof. The clock on the wall said eight-fifty-eight. Mrs. Shadowford could be home at any minute. I carefully placed the file back where I'd found it and closed the drawer tight. I double-checked the floor to make sure I hadn't dropped anything or left any papers flying free. Everything looked just right.

The door of the Shadowford van slammed closed outside and my heart rose up into my throat. They were home. I only had a few minutes to get out safely and get back up to my room. With my emotions going haywire, I was worried I wouldn't be able to make myself invisible, but after a few failed starts, I finally disappeared and was able to slip out of the room and lock the door behind me.

I was only halfway up the steps when the front door opened and Ella Mae wheeled Mrs. Shadowford into the house. I froze in place and waited for them to unlock the door to her suite and go inside, then darted up the stairs and into my room.

Exhausted, I collapsed onto my bed. My search hadn't gotten me any closer to finding Caroline's attacker, but it had brought on a whole mess of new emotions I wasn't prepared to deal with.

After reading the account of how Jackson came to this world, I understood better why he didn't want me to know. It couldn't exactly be a fond memory for him at this point. At the same time, how did he expect us to get closer and really learn to trust each other if we couldn't be honest about where we came from? Did he think I would hate him for what he'd done?

I spent the next three hours sulking about the information in Jackson's files. I went from being angry at him one minute for keeping it a secret from me this whole time, to feeling such sadness at his being trapped here for so long, unable to save his brother. I'd never felt like such a basket case in my entire life.

The rain wasn't helping, either. It continued to pour like a waterfall outside my window. I sat in the windowsill, staring out at Jackson's house and thinking about how it must be to be trapped so far away from home.

I didn't even know how old he really was. He'd been here in our world for fifty years, but his brother was here fifty years before that, which put Jackson at least around a hundred. How could someone who'd lived so long and gone through so much really care about a sixteen-year-old girl like me? For the first time, I really started to understand the vast differences between us.

At midnight, I put on my only raincoat and a pair of faded and ripped jeans, then ventured out into the cold, rainy night. I floated down onto the ground from my window and trudged through the wet grass and mud to the barn. My mood was foul, to say the least. I had no idea what I was going to say to Jackson. Should I even tell him about the file?

I had so many questions firing through my brain, I wanted to scream and beat my head against the wall.

Inside the barn, there was no sign of Jackson. I sighed and crawled up onto the crate he'd sat on the other night. I pulled my legs up and sat criss-crossed with my head propped up on my hands. When he finally did walk through the door, he was different.

He looked exactly the same, but the way I saw him was suddenly different. I'd heard that guy call Jackson a demon and Jackson had even admitted it, but until tonight, it wasn't this real. It was like having a suspicion you secretly hoped wasn't true, then finding proof that it was true all along. This gorgeous guy that I'd totally fallen for wasn't real. This wasn't what he really looked like at all, and tonight it hit me for the first time that we'd never be the same.

Jackson was smiling, blissfully unaware of the emotional meltdown happening less than ten feet away, inside my body. He shook the rain off his hair and laughed.