The Art of Being Alone (Together)

23 | I Hate Me, Too

My heart crumbles at the way his face immediately drops into concern, the way he kneels down next to me, his hands rising to rest on my shoulders. He should hate me, he should want nothing to do with me, and yet he's here offering the comfort of his touch and warm, understanding eyes.

"Del, what's wrong?" His voice is steady, yet laced with worry.

"It's..." I trail off, shaking my head and covering my face with my hands. I must look like a mess, sitting here bawling my eyes out like this, but I'm too overwhelmed to care much.

"I was looking for you, and I ran into Liz. She seemed..."

"Like she hated me?" I finish for him. "That's probably because she does."

"She seemed off," he corrects, moving his hands to mine and gently guiding them away from my face. He holds them in my lap, and I feel myself getting choked up all over again at how sweet he's being. "I was worried something happened, and now I know something happened."

I take in a stuttered breath, calming down enough to get it out. "I lied to Lizzie and Zack."

I go into everything, tearfully explaining how I thought I could stop the prank war with my stupid idea, avoid hurting Lizzie's feelings, and keep our friendship intact.

"It was the dumbest thing to do— I mean, at the time it seemed like it would fix everything. But then I felt so horrible about what I did that I could barely even stand to be around them. And now they probably never want me around them again, because they probably hate me. And I hate me, too."

"Don't," he says firmly, giving my hands a light squeeze. His dark eyes are intense as they gaze straight into mine, but they're gentle, too. "Del, you made a mistake, but it's obvious you only did it because of how much Liz and Zack mean to you. If they give you the chance to explain it like you did to me— which they will, because I can tell you mean a lot to them, too— then I'm sure they'll come around."

I nod, sniffling. Getting everything out helped me collect myself, and the warmth of Ethan's hands on mine is keeping me grounded, holding me off from spiraling into another bout of tears. "I guess I'm just... worried they won't. Not that I'd blame them if they never want to be around me ever again."

Ethan frees one of his hands and uses the soft pad of his thumb to wipe away the dampness on my cheeks. I hold back a shiver at the tender touch, and he gives me a soft smile. "Well, you'll always have at least one person who wants to be around you."

My heart melts in my chest, and I feel that all-too-familiar pang of guilt run through me. "Ethan, I... I don't even know how to tell you how sorry I am. You've been..." I sigh, not even sure if words can describe how sweet he's been to me this summer. "You've been the best. You made me feel so welcome here, and you took my mind off of all my stupid problems so many times. You taught me so much about friendship, and about myself, even. And I've been stupid enough to keep pushing you away."

His thumbs rub soothingly against the backs of my hands as he shakes his head. "You don't have to apologize for protecting yourself, Del. But... if you're done pushing, I have something you might be interested in seeing."

He smiles coyly, and I feel myself light up at the words. For the first time in what feels like forever, I break into a genuine grin.

"You finished the portrait?"

He nods and stands, pulling me to my feet. "You want to see it?"

I give him a playful hit on the shoulder with the hand that isn't interlocked with his. "You know I do."

He leads me outdoors and across the sun-drenched path to the painting building, which is empty thanks to the beautiful weather. My heart flutters as Ethan heads for the storage room. Does he know how thankful I am? How wonderful he is? Things seem so much clearer just from our short conversation— he's had that effect all summer. I wasn't smart enough to take his advice before, but this time, I will be. I'll find Lizzie and Zack, I'll spill my heart, and I'll hope it'll be enough.

My thoughts fizz out when Ethan comes back, carrying the large canvas and holding it with the front towards him, so all I see is the plain, stretched back. He pauses in front of me, then flips it.

And there I am. Basking in golden light and surrounded by gentle hues of red. He's captured me like I've never seen.

"So..." He lowers it slightly, poking his head out from behind. He looks adorably nervous as he continues, "What do you think?"

I don't know what drives me to do it— maybe it's just because of how much of an emotional roller coaster today has been, or maybe it's because I've pent up my feelings for weeks now and I've been dying for some kind of release. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter— I step forward onto my tip-toes, place my hand on his cheek, close my eyes, and plant a kiss right on his lips.

It's sort of clumsy, and barely lasts a second, but none of that stops butterflies from dancing under my skin or giddy nerves from racing through my blood. I step back and let out a breath at the smile on his face.

"I take it you like it?" he asks, beaming.

"I love it. It's beautiful."

He shrugs as if it's no big deal, placing it onto the table beside us. "Of course it is. It's you."

I never knew someone could take the breath out of my lungs just by talking, but here we are. I can't help it— I go in for another kiss, and this one isn't short. It's slow, it's soft, and it makes me feel like I've got electricity in my bones.

Ethan's the one to pull away first, a smile plastered on his full lips. "I'd lose my job if I took you off of camp grounds, but once we're not confined to Lake Kintaw, I'd like to take you on a date."

My heart soars. Camp might be ending, but this won't be. With a simple sentence, he put all my worries about that at ease. "I'd like that, too."

welp... hopefully this cured some of the pain from the last few chapters 😉