The Winner

The Truth

We board the plane separately.

I don't know how Nate did it but he was able to take this weekend off. He didn't tell Trisha, or anyone for that matter, where he was going. He just said he needed a break with everything going on with Cara.

It took Trisha almost a full week to rearrange Nate's calendar and reschedule everything that was booked. She assumes he's going home to London. Instead he bought both of our tickets to Boston. I didn't mention anything to her, or James for that matter, about myself. Nothing was planned for the weekend on my end and I rather not go in to detail. This is far from a vacation for me.

Nate wears his usual travel attire. Today a light blue Nike t-shirt , jeans and Red Sox Baseball cap, which makes him look like any average man. Actually it makes him look much younger than he is. I teased him on the Red Sox hat since he doesn't even watch baseball.

I don't have to worry about being noticed. I wear my favorite green oversized sweater and black leggings.

The airport staff are all trained to not make a big deal when they see a celebrities ID before boarding. The last thing the flight attendants want to have to deal with is chaos from fans during the flight. Everyone seems to be very accommodating to Nate.

I find my seat and struggle to get my carry- on luggage up into the overhead compartment- my height not helping. I feel Nate's breath on my neck which sends heat straight to my cheeks.

"Let me help , Miss." He looks down at me and winks. I try not to smile or give anything away and let him help me. He doesn't take long and brushes past me to get to his seat. Damn that kid. Nate already knows I'm overly high strung and nervous this morning , so has been acting calm for the both of us.

I sit down and prepare for the long flight. It's only 8am and I didn't sleep last night . Nate made sure to get us a direct flight, one less airport and potentially getting noticed. We won't land until almost 5pm this evening. Once settled everyone is settled in I turn away from the two other people occupying my seat and look out the window. I'm already so tired but afraid to fall asleep. If I don't fall into a deep enough sleep, I will wake up a few hours later in the middle of a nightmare. There is NO way I can let that happen. If I'm going to sleep it needs to be a deep sleep to prevent that.

Nate is a few rows behind me on the opposite row. We can't really see each other unless we stand up.

I'm already overthinking everything that is going to happen this weekend. Having to see Luke, Danny's friends, Luke's parents. Chloe. Danny's best friend A.J. It's been almost 5 years yet it still hurts like hell. I know Nate is right. I don't talk about Danny enough to heal. I still live in that day. Replaying it over in my head. Sure I can function day to day like a normal person, but I'm not well and I know this.

I feel myself starting to get emotional. No one can tell but I can feel it. I play with the air vent to blow on me. I fidget with my rings. I braid my hair while looking out the window taking deep breathes that no one would notice but myself. My hands start to shake. My eyes fill up. I can't be here. I'm about to have a panic attack and I'm barely a half hour into the flight.

I throw out a fake smile at the people sitting next to me as I stand up. I don't think they can read my face. They think I'm just going to use the bathroom and move aside to let me through. I try not to look at Nate but can feel his eyes on me. I'm barely holding on.

I make it down the isle to the back of the plane and lock myself in the bathroom.

*****

Shit. She's not ok. I keep my eyes on her as she walks by, her teary eyes staring straight ahead to her destination. I could tell Jules was fidgeting in her seat up there. No one else would notice but I know her body language by now.