Edwina & the prince

Chapter 8: It's always one step forward and three steps back

"Miss Edwina, do you have a moment?"

She wants to say no - but of course she can't.

"Yes, sure", she says contrary to her feelings and turns around to Prince Friedrich.

"Thank you. We could take a walk outside. It's such wonderful weather today."

"Pleasant idea, Your Royal Highness."

Edwina sighs quietly, then takes the arm of Prince Friedrich he is offering her and walks with him outside the salon - where she just wanted to read a book before the prince appeared.

After dinner yesterday, she went straight to bed after Princess Charlotte said goodbye. Her head was full with questions, unclarities and ... clarities. She simply needed to be alone. But to be honest, even though she stayed awake half the night she still didn't know what to feel or to say or to do.

Princess Charlotte of Wales lived up to her good reputation. She is a really lovely person, polite to everyone and has always a kind word on her lips. Edwina has the feeling that the princess would be a very good queen one day.

The princess's magic immediately won her over. No wonder Edwina can't hide any bad feeling for her. Maybe she should be mad that Princess Charlotte obviously won the heart of Prince Friedrich - but she simply can't. Maybe it is because of her wonderful character, maybe because Edwina herself.

Edwina has the feeling she changed. Well, she doesn't simply have the feeling - she has changed. The whole story with Kate and Anthony opened her eyes that she would never fall for a man like that again.

Yes. Yes, she is sad that Prince Friedrich seems to love the princess. And yes, she doesn't want to talk with him right now. But she has learned that it wouldn't bring her anywhere if she is jealous now.

She wishes them all the best. In fact, they suit very well together.

Thank God, she hasn't developed feelings for him yet. Well ... not that deep feelings ...

"Miss Edwina?"

"Sorry?" Edwina looks up to Prince Friedrich and immediately feels her cheeks getting red. "Sorry, I was in thoughts." She only now notices that they are already outside in the garden and have just passed a row of coneflowers.

"No problem. I think we are all sometimes in thoughts, aren't we?" Prince Friedrich smiles.

Oh, his smile ... Stop.

"What where you saying?"

"I asked if you enjoyed the evening yesterday? You went to bed early."

"Oh, yes, I ... needed time to rest. But it was wonderful. Princess Charlotte's company was very pleasant - and Lady Blithisfield's cook is starting to really seem like the best in England to me." Her idea works, he laughs. "But I'm sure that's not the reason you wanted to talk to me." She has a feeling that it won't make her very happy - so she would rather get it over with as quickly as possible.

"Yes. Indeed." Prince Friedrich stops next to the fountain. "I wanted to tell you that ... " He clears his throat. "You should know that I am very happy to have met you. You are a lovely person."

But ... Edwina swallows.

"But there is a reason I invited Princess Charlotte for dinner. I ... I really do care for her and ..." He sighs. "I know that my aunt The Queen sent you to Lady Blithisfield - or rather to me - with some intentions - and I can see why she took you under her wings", he tries to smile but it doesn't really work. He is obviously as nervous as Edwina herself. "The Queen doesn't know yet about Princess Charlotte's and my ... friendship. We both know why she wanted you here so I think it is my duty to tell you about my sincere feelings for the princess. I want to be honest with you - and I think you deserve the truth especially because you yourself are an amazing person."

After he has finished his little lecture, Prince Friedrich looks at her questioningly. Edwina knows he hopes for a kind word from her. That he hopes he hasn't hurt her. That he hopes she will free him from his feelings of guilt.

She can't but stares at him.

What should she do?

Yes, he did hurt her. She didn't come with the intention to do what Queen Charlotte wanted from her. And she didn't fall in love with Prince Friedrich but still ... it hurts her to hear these things. She likes him - and who knows what would have happened. But that's not what makes her feeling hurt because it wasn't something serious at all. What really hurts her is the renewed rejection.

Yes, but. Why couldn't she just be enough as herself? Would she always here a "yes, but"?

But it's not his fault. Or the fault of the princess. She has seen what true love means and if there is such a thing between these two, she won't get in the way. That would not only be foolish but also selfish. And Edwina has learned that she doesn't want to be that kind of person.

Prince Friedrich is a kind person after all. It was very courteous and in no way necessary for him to tell her. So he deserves a kind word from her.

"I thank you for your honesty", she tries to say with a strong voice. "The princess is a lovely person. As you are."

The prince's face suddenly brightens, as if a great burden has been lifted from him. "Thank you, MIss Edwina. I am happy you see it that way."

She doesn't know what to answer so she just smiles.

"Well then, let's go inside. It's time for lunch soon and I have other news for all of you to hear."

She can hardly wait.

"You ... what?" Prince Carl looks at his brother in surprise.

"Princess Charlotte and I will travel together through Dorset in the coming weeks", Prince Friedrich repeats readily, making Edwina look just as taken aback as Prince Carl is.

"I'm surprised that I'm the one to point this out to you but ... don't you think the Prince Regent will object?"

"Good question, brother. We will travel incognito - at least we try to. Her father doesn't have to know everything."

"Excellent idea, my dear prince." Lady Blithisfield puts her cutlery aside. "It is a wonderful idea to spend more time with your lovely cousin, our dear princess."

Edwina doesn't want to seem as confused as she is, so she says, "When will you leave?"

"Tomorrow." Prince Friedrich's eyes take on a passionate expression.

"Tomorrow?" Prince Carl seems to be confused that he isn't the one escaping.

"Oh, I really adore this passion from young people. When I was young ... well, it doesn't matter." Lady Blithisfield takes her glass. "Let's raise a toast to our future Queen and to you, Prince Friedrich! I will miss you, my dear."

"Cheers." Edwina raises her glass incredulous about what is happening.

"Cheers, Friedrich! I wish you a good time. Finally I can have your larger room for my own." Prince Carl seems to have found his way back to his old self.

"Oh, Your Royal Highness, the rooms are exactly the same seize."

The three laugh.

Edwina tries to smile too, but her muscles are failing.

Yes, maybe she has moved one step forward in wishing them all the best without ulterior intentions - but at the same time, she feels like she has gone three steps back.

Renewed rejection. Renewed pain. Renewed loneliness. While others are in love and full of passion for each other.

What does it matter that you have grown in character if the circumstances make you doubt again?