The Punishment Diaries

Abuse Can Feel Like Love

"Abuse can feel like love. Starving people will eat anything." - Nightfall, Penelope Douglas

I have and likely will continue to receive comments from people-who do not know me-claiming that my dynamic is abusive.

It's something I've learned to expect once I published my first erotic diary. There will always be people who judge my dynamic, kink shame, or simply don't understand it.

And you know what? I can't change their minds, nor do I care enough to try. Honestly, I completely get how it can be difficult to wrap your head around what Wrex and I do in our relationship. I understand how different this lifestyle is. But I'm not going to spend my energy defending my lifestyle to every person who criticizes it. Instead, I'll continue to reflect and write. I'll keep doing what I'm doing-regardless of what other people think or say.

At the end of the day, I know that the dynamic Wrex and I have is something special. It's something that makes us both happy, and isn't hurting anyone else. It's something that makes us feel loved.

But abuse can feel like love, especially if you don't know what good and real love feels like. I've been there-I was a starving masochist who ate abuse. It felt good. But the more I ate, the more malnourished I became.

Just because the dynamic I'm in now isn't abusive, it doesn't mean that every D/s or domestic discipline dynamic is healthy. There are plenty that aren't. And it can be really difficult for inexperienced individuals to recognize that abuse-especially when they're starving.

The list below is a compilation of abusive and narcissistic behaviors based on my experience and the experiences of others I've connected with. I have taken it directly from my first book, The Brat Diaries. I think it's important to share again for anyone who thinks they might be experiencing abuse.

• Extreme jealousy. Getting mad at you for talking to another person, even if it's purely platonic.

• Not letting you see your friends or family.

• Checking your phone obsessively. Going through all your apps and messages.

• Making you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with anyone other than them.

• Feeling like you're walking on eggshells. Unsure what will set them off.

• They use suicide threats to manipulate you when you try to leave.

• Forcing you to perform degrading acts without asking for consent.

• Habitually talking negatively about the people you love.

• Unjustly accusing you of flirting with others or cheating.

• Hitting you out of anger, without your consent.

• Calling you degrading names, without your consent.

• Preventing you from taking necessary medication or seeking medical or mental health support.

• Love bombing, especially after abusing you.

• Taking control of your finances.

• Ignoring you and using silent treatment instead of communicating their feelings to you.

This is not an exhaustive list, but if you are experiencing any of this behavior from your partner, you are not alone and you have support.

National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.)

200+ languages through interpretation services

800-799-7233

Refuge England

0808 2000 247

Refuge Scotland

0800 027 1234

Refuge Wales

0808 80 10 800

Refuge Northern Ireland

0808 802 1414

The Men's Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors (U.K.)

0808 801 0327

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline (U.K.)

0800 999 5428

Swayam (India)

91 98307 72814

1800RESPECT (Australia)

1800 737 732