The Thoughts That Chew

what if?

Sometimes I wake up with a heavy heart

with a headache that throbs for hours

with my red lines on the side of my eyes

and a red stuffy nose

and I dread

Everyday

That turns into those nights

And makes waking up miserable.

now sometimes I think,

"What if?"

what if I got with him
And not with the guy I am with now

"What if"

I wouldn't be an overthinking bitch.

"What if"

I was generally happy.

what if I successfully killed myself that night

These tears wouldn't have fell on my pillows

my makeup wouldn't have been smudged

I would've been with no one

I would've not have to overthink

I would be in peace

I would finally be happy .

and I would not dread

Every day

That I wake up.

what if I tried killing myself again

and I actually went through with it?

I would never

Have tears
For no one to dry

I would never
overthink
To the fact I cut

I would never
Have to worry about making my mommy proud

I would never
Have to be good enough for people in my school.

I would just
be laying
In a coffin
6feet underground,
with no one to bring me flowers

but no one to cry over anymore

what if

I could finally rest

And end it all.