The Thoughts That Chew

one pill.

The day I tried killing myself

I was yelled at around 6pm,
I was so tired
I was crying
I saw some pills sitting on top of my dresser.
I grab them and stare, wondering if I was making the right choice.
I don't know who I was
the urges I never listened to,
the urges I wish I didn't listen to.

I walked up stairs wiping my tears
My mother laughing at her phone acting as nothing ever happened.
I grab a large cup of water and fill it with the water inside the fridge.
My sister comes up to me and rubs my back,
I bite my tongue
I push her away as she says
"It's okay, I love you money I'm always here"
I chew on those words
As I walk back down stairs
Sitting on my chair
Taking a pill
One
By
One

Until the bottle was empty.
There was one singular pill left floating in the water as I rushed upstairs

There was one pill as I cried to my sister saying I messed up.

There was one pill as my sister started crying telling me to go throw up.

There was one pill where I started feeling nauseous.

There was one pill when my sister rushed to tell my mom.

there one one pill dissolved in the water

As my mother cried on the way to the hospital.

"All I wanted was to make mommy happy"
I had kept repeating.

My mother was scared, my sister crying
Tears could fill so many bottles from that night.

I was in the hospital throwing up

wearing that one hospital gown

"are those cut marks?"

The doctor asks me but I was zoned out.

He repeats

I listen this time, i don't say anything but a silent nod.

I remember feeling the urges, the addiction to putting a blade through my soft skin.

As the doctor checked my blood pressure

As he put a needle inside of my arm

They called a nurse as I repeated
On the phone

"Don't take me away please don't take me away."

My mom looked at me with tears,
"It's okay baby."

I could tell she had so much she wanted to say.

I cheated death with only two words

"Im scared."

I've seen people successfully kill themselves

To this day, months later I wish I succeeded.

but I'm happy I didn't,

we all have ups and downs.

some worse then others.

I visited my grandpa a few weeks later,

"Its a pussy way out of life."
he told me

I just nodded.

In unknown situations
When I can't seem to get out, I nod.

There was one pill in my room

When I go back, after weeks
I walk down into my room

sitting on my dresser

was that one pill

dissolved in water.

I stare at it

That one pill

That was with others

That I couldn't quite finish,

and couldn't quite escape as I wanted to.