Whispers in the Pages

Diary entry 57

November 4, 2019

Dear Diary,

I don't even know where to begin with. Finally I am here, at a place I don't like a bit.

The place where so many people dies everyday. A place where the gloominess surrounds everything and cries echoes in the corridors.

These past four days have been a nightmare, and I find myself in a place I never wanted to be - the hospital. The ICU is dimly lit, and the constant beeping of the monitors feels like a haunting reminder of the uncertainty that looms over me. The sunrays have failed to penetrate the concrete building , like hope has failed to replace the gloominess in my heart.

The doctors say my heart is struggling, and I can feel its feeble beats, like a fragile bird trapped in a cage. I can't believe just days ago, I was dancing in the rain with Taehyung, oblivious to the ticking time bomb inside my chest. And now, here I am, with tubes connected to my body to support me as I struggle to survive one more day.

The day I dreaded has finally approached. I wasn't ready to accept that I will be leaving this world so soon just yesterday and now, I am standing here, at the edge, waiting for the Destiny to play it's final stroke.

It has been four days now, Diary. After writing to you last time, I had dragged Taehyung outside the apartment even when he wanted to sleep because he was tired. I wanted to enjoy this rain with him. I can't help but feel it is the last time I am witnessing or experiencing something.

Same happened with rain.

I felt like it was the last time I am watching these drops falling so carelessly towards the ground not caring where they will end up.

I also wanted to be like these drops.

Careless.

It was quite late at night so the roads were empty. All I wanted was to get drenched in that rain with my husband for the last time. He looked so breathtakingly beautiful with his hairs sticking to his face and beads on water on his lips as we danced slowly embracing each other.

I remember the beauty of that night, the raindrops caressing Taehyung's face, his laughter like music in my ears as the darkness of the night surrounded us and sound of raindrops falling against the leaves of the trees resonated in the air.. But even in that magical moment, my heart was betraying me, fighting to stay alive. I kissed him, feeling dizzy and breathless as my chest pained as if it will explode, yet desperate to hold on to that moment forever.

And then it happened. The pain in my chest intensified, and I fell. The next thing I knew, I was unconscious. I remember Taehyung calling out my name in panic. And now, I'm here, battling not just the heart disease but also pneumonia that came along for the ride.

I have had a heart attack.

It's been four days now. I'm scared to face Taehyung when I wake up. I know he'll be mad at me for keeping this disease a secret, and he'll cry, which I can't bear. I dread seeing the pain and betrayal in his eyes, knowing that my time might be running out.

When Taehyung entered the room, he didn't say a word as I sat in my bed looking down at my hands. I was standing on the edge and there is a very thin line between life and death and I didn't want to see Taehyung watch me stand there helplessly. I promised to be strong for him and I am failing miserably. My emotions were overwhelming. I didn't have it in me to look at Taehyung.

I couldn't see him like that. I just.... couldn't.

If I had looked up, I would have ended up crying helplessly.

I waited for him to say something, to scold me, to be mad at me, to ask me questions but instead, he came forward, making space for himself in the bed, he sat beside me and placed his head on my chest, hugging me tightly. I couldn't help but cry silently, my emotions choking me. Taehyung's tears wettened my hospital gown, and his sobs echoed in the silent ICU.

He said he was scared.... scared to lose me when I fell there on the road. He told me how he wanted nothing less than to hug me when I was lying here lifeless in the ICU. He complained how doctors didn't let him stay with me. He was crying and I couldn't do anything. He was complaining how he was on his nerves for the last four days praying God to bring me back to consciousness.

He... He wanted assurance that I am not going anywhere but I couldn't find it in myself to give him false hope. I lost, Diary.... I lost the game to destiny.

I failed as a husband.

He was crying and I could do nothing except cry with him.

We cried together, cursing Destiny for playing this cruel prank on us. The love we share feels so helpless against time and fate. I'm scared, not for myself, but for Taehyung and my parents.

What will happen to them when I'm gone?

Taehyung is still sleeping beside me, and I can't bear to see him like this. He must have been sleepless for days. Dark circles have appeared under his beautiful eyes. He look so pale, tired and lifeless. I know he must have cried worrying about me... His beautiful lips that form the brightest of smiles are now chapped. I wonder if he has eaten something?

The doctors have warned me about the increased risk of heart failure after the heart attack, and I feel defeated.

I don't know if I'll get the chance to write again. My hands are trembling as I pen these words. I've lost so much weight, and weakness is creeping through my body. I'm scared of what tomorrow might bring, if I even have one.

With a heavy heart,

Jungkook