When All is Lost

30.

She motions to a servant, and I realise I haven't really taken in the room, I certainly haven't seen them waiting by the doors. He steps forward and leads us out. We walk through hallways that are reminiscent of the chateau. Painted frescoes and wood-panelled rooms pass us by. Until we reach the exact replica of the room we had been in the last time I lay my head on a pillow, or what passed for one.

"What is this place?" I wonder aloud.

"It's the valley, mirrored in the lake. This house is the same as the house above, it's how my mother has influence over it." Nate explains, moving inside as the servant left us.

"How long have we been here?"

I wander into the room, faint memories slip by, Nate undressing and my embarrassment. I feel like a completely different person now. Someone worn down by time. exhausted from the weight of the world.

"I don't know, we talked a while before she showed me the mirror. I woke from that and you were beside me."

I sit on the bed, removing my boots and pushing my hair back from my face. It feels like I'm hollow, empty and aching, grief is smothering every bit of life in me. I feel as though we've already lost.

"Talk to me," Nate says, the bed sinking as he sits on the opposite side.

Words won't come, and so I stare at the flames in the hearth, missing Inkspot.

"It will help to talk about it." He continues and I sigh, sinking into the pillows, and pulling the blankets around me. I don't care that I'm fully dressed, or that I'm afraid to close my eyes.

"I saw you die," He finally says, his weight shifting to lie beside me, on top of the covers. "I saw you die a hundred different ways. I saw us try and fight, try and run, try and hide, nothing worked."

"I wont hide." I whisper into the dark air around us. Hiding was the one that was hardest to think of. The garden, the peace, her laughter on the breeze, small hands in my hair and on my neck. My throat closes up and tears fall again. I will never have that. We will never have that.

"Oh, Charlie," Nate breathes realising what I mean, knowing no hug or comfort will work right now.

We lie beside one another, grieving a future we could never have, a child that would never be.

I sleep fitfully, it's hard to know the time when the light of the lake gives everything a blueish tint. It's as though the sun is filtering through the ice - which it probably is. I take a deep breath. It feels late, the house is silent and Nate's still fast asleep beside me.

Resting has soothed some of the heartache, the memories aren't as real as they had been last night, it feels almost like a dream from this side of the night. Beside me Nate is asleep, his hand wrapped around mine, the only comfort I'd allowed in my grief. I have to let him go.

Saras said the only way to free us from the bind was to stop feeling protective of one another. Which is tantamount to saying, stop feeling for one another. We have to make new choices, forge a new path.

I turn my head to look at him, asleep he looks so much younger than the man he's becoming. He's only 22, and he's lost both parents, lost his kingdom and now...would I really be able to leave him alone in the world?

I know the answer. I know it deep down in my soul.

I was made to protect him, and if that means dying, then I'll die.

Something in that thought lifts the weight that has been crushing me. I breathe easier, the ache in my shoulders eases, and my heart, broken and crushed as it was - doesn't feel like it's going to kill me anymore. We would do the right thing. We have to.