battle scars // jasper hale fanfiction

chapter seven

I listened to "No One Won the War" by Matt Maltese while writing this.

I woke up the next morning. Well, I would wake up throughout the night, but I just fell back to sleep. Sleeping was easier. I didn't have to overthink.

I knew I shouldn't miss another day of school, so I dragged myself out of bed.

I stared at the bathroom for five minutes. I should shower, but I can't. I couldn't bring myself to put effort into anything. I felt numb. Utterly and completely numb. How was I supposed to shower when I felt nothing?

I throw on a pair of clean clothes. That's something at least.

I was hoping Jasper felt better today, but I just knew he'd be gone. That's part of why I didn't bother. I knew today was gonna be another bad day.

I sighed and drove off to school. I drove in silence. I tried putting on different music, but everything that I listened to just made me feel . . . not real.

As I headed to my first class, I dug my fingernails into my palm. I could feel that. It hurt a little, but it brought me back. I knew I was a second away from going into a dissociative episode, which isn't something I needed right now.

I sat alone again in third period. I got some work done, but I kept spacing out.

At lunch, there was no Jasper. Just as I expected. I was still disappointed. As I picked at my food, Edward watched me with a concerned gaze. I made eye contact with him once. He raised an eyebrow as if to ask if I was okay. I shrugged as a response. I don't know if I was okay because I didn't know how I felt. Actually, I did know how I felt: numb.

I barely listened to Edward when he was explaining what I missed in class yesterday. He said that we are going to start this big presentation project on a topic of our choice. We'll be presenting them next week.

After school, I took Edward's advice and watched my favorite movie. I got ten minutes into it and turned it off. It seemed wrong, and I didn't want to ruin my favorite movie. The movie didn't make me happy like it normally does. Instead, I felt nothing.

I hated when it got bad. I would get stuck in these ruts, and I could never get out. I missed Jasper. I felt awful for him not being in school. It was my fault no matter what anyone said. I just wanted to be near him for five seconds. He was just so comforting. I knew he wouldn't let me feel this bad.

I laid in bed staring at the ceiling. I felt gross. Inside and out. I started feeling a little anxious. I felt like I had dirt and bugs all over me. I decided to go take a shower. Maybe that would do something.

As the lukewarm water poured on me, I still felt gross. I scrubbed every inch of my body. My skin felt a little raw, but at least I felt clean.

When I was done, I changed into the comfiest pair of clothes I owned. They made me feel a little better. I laid in bed and curled up in my blankets.

I heard the door open downstairs. My dad shouted something up to me I think, but I didn't hear him. I just laid in bed. I heard him trudge up the stairs. I was hoping I wouldn't have to face him.

As soon as he opened the door to my room, he knew what was happening.

"Hey, honey," he started hesitantly.

I pulled a small half-smile for a greeting.

"Did you take your medicine?"

Shit. I completely forgot.

I shook my head.

He headed downstairs and came back with a glass of water and my medicine. "Here you go."

I sat up slightly to take my medicine. As soon as it was gone, I laid back down.

"Do you need anything else?" He knew I normally just wanted to be alone.

I shook my head.

"Okay," he said and then kissed my forehead. "I'm gonna go heat some supper up. Let me know if you need anything, alright?"

He waited for an answer. He wanted to make sure I would go to him if anything really bad happened.

I nodded.

Having my confirmation, he headed downstairs, shutting the door behind him.

I closed my eyes. I was tired, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I'd just have to wait it out. I couldn't think all night long. I slowly drifted off to a night full of nothing.