Never with Me (Book 1)

[1]: The past comes back to haunt you

         The painful cramps had finally rescinded, allowing me to unfurl my sweat slicked body from the fetal position I had been forced into, for the last hour.   Almost all my nights for the past two years, had been spent in this position, sometimes multiple times a day.  There were times in the beginning, that I had prayed to get one single day of respite from the pain.  But my prayers always fell on deaf ears.  Lady luck, wasn't my friend, but had become my mortal enemy, for two long years now.

The pain forced my body into itself, as if it were trying to find some sort of comfort from the burning inferno living within my abdomen.  

The pain.  It had become my own personal tormentor, holding me in its grasps, in its enthrall.  Laughing and enjoying my feeble attempts to comfort myself.  Sneering at me in disgust, as I cried out, praying for it to stop.  Laughing hysterically as I promised to give my soul to it, if it would just stop.

But the pain had morphed into a living and breathing creature with it's own wants and needs, after so many years of enduring it.  A parasite of sorts.  Only after my body was leeched of all energy, and my will was broken, did I receive any type of reprieve from the pain.  Because by then, my body and mind involuntarily shut down, and the exhaustion took hold of me, and forced me to sleep like the dead.  Where all dreams died.

        I rolled over onto my back, and stared up at the night sky.  How beautiful the sky was, with all the brilliant stars shining down at me.  Twinkling and dancing in the midnight blue sky, clear of any clouds.  Performing the eternal dance that generations before me and after me would view.  I had found this small clearing in the forest ions ago as a child.  It had been my place of solitude and comfort for as long as I could form memories.  A circular clearing surrounded by spruce trees that been born decades, if not centuries before my time.  The grass creating a lush thick carpet, one could lay upon and dream of hopes.  At least, that had been what it was in the beginning, now it was the place I came to endure the pain.  The place I could scream and writhe as pain tormented my body and mind, away from an audience.  My dreams not of hopes anymore, but of a time when the pain would no longer exist.

        I turned to the side, and used my two arms as leverage to move into a sitting position.  My arms were still trembling slightly from the aftershocks of the pain, and with effort I was finally able to stand up.  My legs quaked underneath me, as if they barely had the strength to carry my full weight.  I used my hand, and swept back my long black hair off of my face.  It has become soaked from the perspiration that had come pouring off  that was soaked from perspiration.  Some still matted to my forehead.  I brushed myself off, and looked up to the stars one last time before heading back to the pack house.

        I took my time returning, it gave me time to shake off whatever residual effects the pain had on me.  Enabling me to mask it, and present the facade I always used.  A half hour passed before the forest began thinning out, and the house came into view.  At this time of the night, most of the pack members would be asleep.  That had been the case most nights I arrived home at this time, and it was the same this night, except for the lone light burning on the second story window of the Alpha's room in the Eastern wing.  Silently, I crept through the back yard, and entered the backdoor of the house.  The house was beautiful with a rustic cabin style design, but large enough to house 20-30 members of the Moon Meadow Pack.  Smaller cabins and living quarters were strewn about the thousands of acres of our territory for those with families, or those whom had found their mates.  The main house, housed the Alpha, his Luna, and unmated males and females. 

        Technically, I was unmated, thus forcing me to live in the main house.  But the truth was, I had a mate.  A mate whom my wolf called to.  Someone I needed like the air I breath.  But my mate was never with me.

        I had known him my whole life, my childhood and his were entwined.  His name was Damien Blackstone, and he was the reigning Alpha of my pack.  He happened to be my older brother, Alexander's bestfriend for longer than I could remember.  While they were 5 years older, I had grown up following them around.  Their shadow, getting mixed up into whatever adventure they had planned for the day.  Creating a ruckus, and tormenting the adults around us.  As years passed, I became separated from them as they begin their journey into adulthood.  Damien being groomed for the title of Alpha, and my brother as the title of Beta.  At first, as a child, I was angry and upset, not understanding why the fun had to cease.  But as I became older, I matured, and understood that with the title, came great responsibility.  My heart swelled with pride for the two men I had viewed as my own bestfriends as well.

        At 11, I remember seeing Damien with her for the first time.  She was beautiful in a statuesque way.  Her body willowy, but toned like a ballerinas.  Her silver blond hair cascading down her back landing in slow curls.  Her cornflower blue eyes smiling with mischievousness.  Her round cherubic face, held full lush lips, a petite slightly upturned noise, with perfectly arched brows.  She was breathtakingly beautiful, and her name was Rachel Smithson.  Her family had recently joined our pack, after theirs had been devastated by a rogue attack.  Only leaving a handful of members alive, that had now joined our folds.  She had a shy manner about herself, and Damien had immediately reacted to it, and protected her with a fierceness.  From then on, they had been inseparable.  Two parts of a whole.  No one doubted their love for one another, and she was considered the future Luna.

        It wasn't until I reached 16, that any question of their mate bond came into play.  I still remember the day when the truth of it all came out.  I had been running out of the pack house, late for school when I had collided with Damien in the hallway.  My torso pushing into his by sheer accident, and sparks had immediately appeared.  His hands around my upper arms, steadying me.  I had looked up into his emerald green eyes, him looking down into my pale grey ones. Our breathing hitched, and it felt as if the world stopped.  As if the clocks stopped ticking, and everything became mute.  I felt my inner wolf come alive.

"Mate." She said.

        For that moment, I was happy.  I was jubilant.  I had waited all my life for this moment, and it had finally come.  I had found my other half of my soul.  I had found my future.  And it was Damien.   It was perfect.  My bestfriend from childhood and I were destined to be one.  For a moment, I saw the same reflected back to me from his eyes.  But it was just for a moment, before it quickly disappeared.

"You're my mate, Damien." I stated with excitement in my voice.

"That's not possible Leilani.  You know my mate is Rachel.  She is your future Luna."

"No, you're my mate Damien.  Didn't you feel it?"

"Even if I did feel something, you know I have committed myself to Rachel.  I have chosen her.  I am sorry, but I have made my choice.  You will find another that can love you, as I can not."

"But, I am your destined mate." I whispered.

"I forge my own destiny, as should you Leilani.  As should you..."

        With that, he released my arms from his grasp and turned away from me.  I watched as his 6'3" toned frame walk away from me.  Using his right hand, he ran it through his dark brown hair.  His head down, as he continued to the other side of the pack house to his office.  I stood there rooted, not able to move or breathe for what felt like hours, but had probably been only seconds.  I heard a door slam shut.  And with the door slamming, came the slamming of the door on everything that I had ever wanted for my life.  It was the beginning of my ending.