twenty two- Caitlin Clark

11- new year's day

"Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere"

daphne 

present; narrative

"Daph what is this box doing here?" Brynn asked curiously, pulling the box out from it's hidden spot in my closet. I had unpacked most of my stuff but I couldn't even bring myself to open that box, the contents made my stomach churn and I'm not even sure why I had brought that box around with me all this time. I brought it to New York and in my year there I still couldn't unpack it, hiding it away until I found it again when moving back to Iowa. I could've left it there or maybe burned it but I still couldn't.

Brynn sat the box down on my bed, spinning it around to see if it was labeled. I always labeled my boxes, it was my way of staying organized. The second I read the word 'Caitlin' written on the side of the box I was ready to grab it and throw it back in it's spot of my closet, ready to rot until I could bring myself to open it. Brynn quickly stopped me from doing that though, she turned to me, a confused expression on her face.

"That needs to be unpacked by tonight" She pointed at the box and walked out of my room, closing the door on her way out. Even if most of the time it was Liv putting Brynn and I in our places Brynn still knew how to step up and almost acted like a mom when I needed her.

I stood away from the box, as if something would jump out of it. It felt like something would. The name on the side of the box spoke for itself, the seven letters feeling like they were haunting me. It was embarrassing that I was shaking at the thought of even touching this box, let alone unpacking every single memory I had stored away in there.

"If I'm gonna do this, might as well do it with Taylor Swift." I whispered to myself, connecting my phone to my speaker and pressing shuffle on my fully Taylor playlist. I walked over to the box, taking a deep breath before cutting the tape off the top and opening it. It was almost full to the top, clothes, pictures, letters stacked on top of each other. Even gazing down at everything made me feel like I was back in high school, spending every day attached to Caitlin's hip. I grabbed the first thing I saw which was a photo booth picture of Caitlin and I. There were four different pictures on the one strip, the first one of me leaning on her shoulder, the second one was both of us sticking our tongues out, the third one was of us kissing and the last one was just of Caitlin staring down at me. I used to keep this strip on my mirror so I could see it every day when I got ready.

One of the reasons I never unpacked this box was because I didn't know what to do with the items inside. I couldn't throw them out, I tried to but I couldn't bring myself to actually do it but I also couldn't have them displayed all over my room. I just wanted to keep them for myself, secretly stored away.

The next thing I picked up was one of Caitlin's old navy blue hoodies. She gave this to me on one of our first dates. We had to run back to her car in the pouring rain and when we actually made it to the car I was shivering. She wasted no time almost ripping the hoodie off her body to give it to me, even though she only had a tank top underneath. I kept it ever since, any time her perfume faded I gave it back to her for the day. This was one of the many hoodies I stole from Caitlin but this was the most special to me, the rest of her hoodies still sitting in a drawer in my childhood bedroom.

I brought the hoodie up to my chest, immediately feeling the comfort and warmth from it like every other time I wore it. It still smelt like Caitlin, almost everything in this box did and instead of repelling at the scent I held it closer.

I continued going through the box, making sure I went through everything individually to remember exactly why I brought this specific box of things around with me. Now as I placed the empty box on the floor I looked at my bed, completely covered in items that summed up my past relationship. I didn't cry like I thought I would, I didn't even get upset. Instead I found myself in her navy blue hoodie, tugging at the strings like always when I was nervous. The last thing I expected was to start missing Caitlin and missing all the memories we had made together. It felt like a show that got canceled on a cliffhanger. I felt angry at the world more than Caitlin for ending our story like that.

Brynn walked in, breaking me out of the trance I was in. She looked around my room, seeing the empty box and now my bed in complete chaos. She didn't even seem fazed, I turned to her, every emotion now coming out as she watched me cautiously. It's like she knew this box would be my breaking point, as much as it needed to be done it also reopened wounds with Caitlin that I had hid away for years. I fell into Brynn's arms and she just held me, not really understanding exactly what was happening but comforting nonetheless. As Brynn held me I kept drifting away to the times Caitlin held me the exact same way. When I came back to reality I felt lonely, without Caitlin I felt like I was on my own. She was the best part of me, she showed me love that I could never find anywhere else, no matter how hard I looked.

I pushed myself out of Brynn's arms, back to staring at the objects that stared back at me. All the pictures of Caitlin and I smiling felt like mockery. The state of my bed reflected the mess I felt, the ache in my heart from Caitlin but also aching knowing that the person I considered the love of my life was so close, and yet I was doing nothing about it. I never would have thought Caitlin and I would ever get to this point, I always knew we were meant to be with each other whether that be when we were seventeen or when we're sixty. 

"Are you gonna talk to her?" Brynn broke the silence, careful of her words because of how broken I seemed in the moment. I didn't want to talk to Caitlin, she had broken my heart in a million different ways but if I had truly moved on I wouldn't be so confused right now.

At some point moving on was my only option, an option I thought I had come to terms with over time but standing in a room that had Caitlin written all over it I couldn't ignore the pull I still felt for her. I hoped that maybe one day we would find our way back to each other and be happy this time, that we could get it right this time. Maybe we were too young, maybe I did something, maybe she did something but right now all I wanted was her. I wanted the love that made me want to grow old with someone, start a family and be with my person forever. That was Caitlin for me, that never changed.

Right now I could stuff all of these things back in the box, like I had never seen anything in hopes that this wrenching feeling would go away but how many years have I been doing that for? I didn't want to accept whatever went wrong between Caitlin and I, or that I even thought about her at all but as much as I waited these objects never went away. They got dusty from how deep I buried them but yet never lost their meaning.

I never struggled with being vulnerable but having the most special moments of my life laid out in front of me now tasked with choosing between my peace from fear and heartbreak or the undeniable love I can't seem to ignore for her. I looked down at the photobooth pictures again, the picture of her looking at me making me smile to myself. Love like that can't just be ignored.