Be Kind (Doctor Reader x Levi Ackerman)

Chapter 22: Adrenaline Rush

Chapter 22 - Adrenaline Rush

You sit in front of the canal outside the warehouse for what feels like twenty minutes. You can hear the squad discussing their plans on how to retrieve Eren and Historia, but you could care less. Screw those two. Because of them, you had to get your hands bloody. Because of those two, you had to kill not one, but five humans. Like Armin said, they were probably nice people right? Just like you, going about your lives and one day, gone by the blast of a bullet. A bullet you fired.

Your breaths become shallow and ragged. Because of those two, you had to give up your humanity and your identity as a doctor, a life saver. You whimpered and clutched your hair tightly. Things weren't supposed to be like this. You weren't supposed to hurt anyone!

Why did you kill them so easily?

If you get those documents and give them to Prof Em, your sins will be atoned for, right? You'll save five more people from the disease and make up for what you did today. No, you'll save more than five people. Armin was wrong, you're not less of a human than those people you shot. You're still a doctor, you can just save more people and-

"Oi."

You flinched at the noise and looked up, and you met Levi's gunmetal gray eyes. Under the dim light of the moon, you notice the blue undertones in his gray irises. Looking at his piercing eyes somehow anchors you back to reality, and your previous thoughts passed like a storm.

Levi walks towards you and sits down next to you, his gaze never leaving yours.

"Why did you leave?" Levi asked. You want to turn the other way, but he holds you hostage with his eyes and he somehow always makes it hard for you to peel your gaze away.

"I said I needed some fresh air."

"You're not okay."

"I never said I was."

Levi looks at you worriedly. "I'm sorry you had to be the one firing the gun. I brought you into the squad and to Trost."

"Why are you apologizing?" you asked, genuinely confused. "They were our enemies and I did what I had to do."

"Just worried since it's your first time," he replied with a gentle voice.

"How did you feel, when you did it for the first time?"

Levi looked to the night sky, recalling his memory. "I can't really remember, I was still very young back then. But I remember feeling scared and lost. Partly disgusted. But I had to do it to survive, it was either kill or get killed."

Your expression softens and you purse your lips. "You're right. Kill or get killed huh. What a world we live in."

You paused and stared at the water flowing through the canal slowly. Levi watches you in silence, waiting for you to continue.

"I just.." you sucked in a breath, "I just can't help thinking about what kind of people they were before I took their lives. I had no right to simply take away a person's life."

"This doesn't make you an evil person," Levi looks at you seriously. "You were going to die or lose us all if you didn't act. We wouldn't even be talking like this right now if it weren't for your quick thinking and brave actions."

"Levi, I can make up for what I did, right?"

Levi spares you a confused look, his penetrating gaze probing into you. "What do you mean?"

"The sins I've committed today, the blood I spilled, I can atone for them by doing more good things right?" you said with a serious expression.

Levi looks at you hesitatingly. You were never one to talk about sins or religiosity before, so this was something disconcerting for him. It's becoming clearer and clearer to Levi that you were getting eaten up by guilt. A killer's guilt.