Lovesick

Chapter III

Despite my best efforts to make my relationship with Emma go well, things didn't change much between us. I also didn't change at all. I think not seeing Lucas as often as I used to actually made me even more obsessed. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, it seems. But not everything remained the same.

I don't remember exactly when or how it started, but I began to notice small changes in Lucas's behaviour. They were minor but significant enough to me, who paid so much attention to him that I could even tell which girl he had spent the night with based on the way he smelled in the morning.

I forced myself to sometimes choose Emma over him, and that would irritate him. I was a bit confused, at first, because he was the one who had encouraged me to get into that relationship. But it seemed he hadn't really thought of the consequences, and, all things considered, him being annoyed with me for not being available twenty-four seven was more along the lines of what I expected from him. He had never liked being anything other than my top priority. If I didn't answer his calls or if I was late, he wanted an explanation. It was fine, though, as long as the explanation was something like, my phone was dead, the train was delayed. A tad annoying, sure, but he would get over it. However, if I made him go through any minor inconvenience because of some other person... he wouldn't let me off the hook as easily.

Still, I never believed any of it was due to jealousy. Pride, selfishness, a childish reluctance to share what was his. Those were likely the things that pushed him to act the way he did. But when I started dating Emma, his possessiveness started to feel... different. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I ended up telling myself that it was probably just in my head, until the day it suddenly became a lot clearer.

I woke up feeling sick one morning but got a text from Lucas telling me he wasn't coming to school, the implication being that he was counting on me to share my notes with him again. Of course, there was no question I needed to go. I arrived to school pretty early, and there weren't many people in the classroom, but Emma was already there. Her face lit up when she saw me and she waved at me to come over. As I approached her and she got a better look at me, her smile faltered. She rose from her seat and rushed towards me to meet me halfway, concern souring her expression.

"Caleb, you look awful!" she exclaimed and put a hand on my forehead to feel my temperature.

"I'm just sick," I said, gently taking her wrist to remove her hand.

"Why did you come, then?"

"I had to. Lucas said he wouldn't be here today, he's going to need my notes."

She rolled her eyes at that. "You can both use my notes, okay?"

"I don't know if he'll—"

"Jeez, just go home already! You look like you're about to pass out."

I pursed my lips, not wanting to get into an argument with her, but still reluctant to follow her advice. Her eyes softened slightly, and she gave my arm an encouraging squeeze. "I'll give you my notes," she repeated, the frustration now gone from her voice. "Don't worry about a thing. You just go home and rest, okay?"

I gave in. I knew I could have handled it, because I was used to attending class no matter how sick I was. But I was also used to just going along with whatever other people wanted. I didn't like to argue, especially not with Lucas, but not with anyone else, either.

I went home and spent most of the day in bed. I think it might have been the first time in my life I actually allowed myself to have proper rest while being sick. I hadn't realised it would be so boring. I had too much on my mind to fall asleep, so I eventually got out of bed to play my guitar and work on some of my many ongoing projects, though I felt too dizzy to stay focused for long, and it was hard to make any real progress. It didn't help that all of my songs were about Lucas, and thinking about him could only make my headache even worse. It's funny, because they didn't even have lyrics, but the melodies alone reminded me of him. How are you supposed to find inspiration? By looking within yourself, or by looking at the world around you? Either way, only Lucas could come to mind. Nothing else mattered in the world, and nothing else lived in my heart. He alone was my music.