Meant to be<3[Under Construction]

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     Lost 💖insteration💖, not really feeling it, also been so busy with work.

     Hardly see my family & so far it's harder to stay 😀Positive😀

     Not only that but to put a Charry on top of that whippcream & sprinkles I'm dealing with 🍭Depression🍭 once again as if my life didn't have enough of it growing up😂😂😂

     I've been avoiding my fíancé after i moved, have no time for family, no time for any quick responses.

     Been keeping someone up who doesn't deserve to have some slow responding bitch who can't remember shit or always ruins her plans or enjoy a bad ending as she does.

     I only RPed to forget my Depression, to be the character, to have a imaginary life to destract myself from how much i hate living and how much i just hate loosing all the time.

     I lost so much in life i just want to win at least once at something, even if it's as little as a imaginary life that's made out of your mind & words.

     I lost so much family, basically sacrificed my childhood to raise my little siblings and still lost at it because i failed to protect them from someone we where close to. I was still yelled at by our parents for calling the cops to protect my siblings and how do my siblings say their "thank you"s?? By wishing I'd die every night.

     School growing up?? Always picked last, always teassed, picked on, bullied & beaten. Even the teachers would join in on that shit, and the Principal & Vic Principal?? Sees whats happening & looks away.

     Growing up i was mostly on my own, my parents worked and my sisters never wanted me. I never really had friends at school & yet i carried on because i grew up learning on my own that "I have to work harder... maybe I'll be liked?? If I'm much nicer, maybe everyone else would be too,... i have to do better..."

     And then years of nothing changing, nothing getting any better i grew to understand everyone & accepted that i was the problem in this life 😁 Even though I'm not worth shit and "a waist of space that doesn't belong" I'm still so selfish to keep breathing the air we all share.... i knew sence i was 12 that, "I'm not good enough, I'll never be good enough, I'll be nice because when I'm mean I'll get hurt more, but I'll never get better... i have to smile, otherwise my mom would get even more disappointed in me, i need to stop being annoying, STOP talking, STOP being in the way, STOP TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE BECAUSE THEY ALL WILL STAB YOUR BACK & LEAVE. NOBODY LOVES YOU. NOBODY EVER DID AND NOBODY EVER WILL SO STOP HOPING AND PRAYING TO GOD TO SEND YOU A "FRIEND" WHEN HE SENDS YOU MORE PEOPLE TO BEAT YOU. YOU AREN'T SPECIAL, YOU'RE WORTHLESS, YOU'RE UNWANTED, YOU SHOULD'VE DIED IN A CRASH WHEN THOSE CARS DIDN'T  STOP FOR YOU, YOU SHOULD'VE CUT DEEPER, YOU SHOULD'VE LET THAT CREEPY MAN UNDER THE BRIDGE KIDNAP YOU AND USE YOU'RE BODY FOR HIS NEEDS BECAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU'LL EVER BE GOOD FOR!! YOU SHOULD'VE LISTENED YOU DAD THAT NIGHT! "NEXT TIME DON'T MISS THE VAIN", SO WHY ARE YOU STILL BREATHING!?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE ALREADY!?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE!?!,"

     .... So... i don't really see self worth... i did get 7 therapists,... none worked... sent to the Mental Hospital,... they didn't help... i had to lie to get out, because they only made me feel worse.... i... lie to myself.. i lie to everyone about how "happy" i am, i... hate... living, i...

     I really hate how i lose so bad at living life that i can't stop being a pussy and just end it... you know??.. and so, i work harder... i keep working & working... my body hurts, my feet, my back, i can't sleep till 5AM-6AM,... so far i just keep disappointing everyone around me that i feel like there's nothing left of me....

     I work my ass off from day in & day out & still being nothing more then a disappointment to everyone... to be looked at as just a worthless piece of garbage that can't do anything but make themselves look pathetic...

     I'm useless, and i know that... i know i suck... i know I'm a terrible lover who can't keep a relationship,... to be such a fucking awful person to my best friend that i try my damest to keep happy but of course only disappointing her even more. I know I'm a poor excuse of a "Daughter", who's absolute SHIT at being a big sister....

     I'm sorry...

     I do try... i try till my dody gives out... i try even when I'm sick, i try when I'm bruised & bleeding..
I try.....

     I wish i wasn't such a looser at life... and I'm so sorry for waisting your time... I'm sorry for living and taking your air,... I'm sorry for being such a failure... I'm sorry for being a bother in your lives.... i wish i never existed... i wish i was loved... to feel it be given back... I'm so sorry that i have feelings and ask for such a big thing to ask for.... I'm so so sorry for those who knew me because nobody knows how much of a disappointment i am then me....

     I'm so sorry for being alive... I'm so sorry for living...

     I'm sorry everyone... I'm sorry..